Today's "Word Of The Day" - CLOSURE

clo·sure

[kloh-zher] 

noun

1.the act of closing; the state of being closed.

2.a bringing to an end; conclusion.

 

  I know I know, I fail I have not been chatty for some time now. I am going to do my best to change that. Just been dealing with the real world, adjusting to life as a parent of a Junior High parent. Times like this I sincerely wish my daughter was like in SL, forever a little one. She is my last born, my baby... slowly watching her grow into her own awesome little own person has been challenging and sad but also amazing and beautiful. She is going to do amazing things, you can just see it in her.
  I recently had the opportunity to let go of something that still is very painful to think about too long. I had a daughter in second life for most of 2 years of my life, I loved her as much as I love my own real life children and in the end, well it just did not work. She attempted to reach out and talk with me which brought on a knee-jerk reaction to be angry. But I did not feed into that, I thought long and hard about the entire situation and in the end, it was best to just let her go. I know that even if she grew and learned and was a different person, we as friends would not work. In the end, I believe I would be hurt again and through our friendship I had truly been hurt enough. I let her go with good wishes for life but explained that I can not survive my heart being hurt again and that this was the best.
  I truly believe the act of forgiving is something that feeds the soul so very much. It has the ability to heal your heart and though hurts in your life, even when the scars remain. Letting her go has given me much peace in my life. It has allowed me to enjoy and appreciate those who love me and given me a better capacity to love them in return. I dont have this pain in my heart holding me back from giving to those around me, which I think is always a good thing. I will not say that I do not miss them, that I do not wish things had played out different because that would be a lie. But that was a part in our life that hopefully taught us something and allowed us to grow as people. I wish her well, with much happiness and good things in life. I just can not be a part of it any longer.
  I urge you all to let go of things holding you back from being truly happy. Though I know I have a long way to go, getting this off my heart and letting go has allowed me to get a bit closer to the person I truly want to be. It has opened the door to meeting beautiful new people and making some amazing new friendships. I know this will be a positive for me as well as you.

Have an amazing Sunday,
XOXO,
Brie

 

Today's "Word Of The Day" - EPIPHANY

EPIPHANY

e·piph·a·ny [ih-pif-uh-nee] 

noun, plural e·piph·a·nies.

1. A sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

 

 The week is almost over, I hope you all are hanging in there!

 

I have been doing a lot of thinking about myself and who I am as a person lately. Like how the way I am and how I tend to behave in situations can affect the people around me. Most of it I am OK with, some stuff not so much but I am sure (Least I hope so) we all go through these moments from time to time. Lately has just been one of those moments for little old me.

 

I realized something, well it was pointed out to me the other day and I really took a long hard look at myself and found that it was really true. I am one of those people, friends of mine I have had a long time will agree, I am one of those people who is an awesome, easy going kind of friend and it takes a lot to really make me angry with someone. Sure, I get annoyed like anyone else but I get over it pretty fast. I have always tried to live by the rule that the best way to have good friends is to be one. I would like to think that I am a reflection of the good people I choose to surround myself with. Sometimes someone not so great sneaks in but no one can pretend to be what they aren't forever, so eventually we part ways and go on with life. 

 

 

 

It is in those times, where I feel betrayed and hurt a really ugly side of me comes out. In the moment where I am hurting most, I lash out at those around me... mainly those who hurt me but sometimes I have a wide scope with my anger and I hurt people I don't mean to. If I feel done wrong by a person they no longer have any place in my world, I care nothing about them, their life, their problems. I just care that they hurt me and how bad that feels. I really don't know exactly why I go to such extremes with people but I can get downright vindictive and Ive been told it can be quite frightening the lengths I go to feel vindicated even if I do damage that can never be repaired.

 

I realized that this is a true and unadulterated form of defense for me. I have been abused by many many people who were important to me in my life, my parents, my ex-husband... some friends. My ex-husband would beat the tar out of me, sleep with a prostitute or random Internet girl and I was not allowed to show any emotion to his actions. I was to behave as though he was the perfect spouse, something is absolutely was not. Over 9 years I became a shell of a person, it took him holding a rifle at me to get me to value myself and my life, and to inevitably break free from his abuse. I promised myself I would never stand idle while someone mistreated me... I guess I have taken it to the other end of the submissive spectrum with it, I feel really bad for those I inadvertently hurt over the past 12 years.  

 

I really am going to make a conscious effort to be more, grey area with this. It is ok to feel hurt and to express it but at the end of the day, forgiving them and moving on has to be more than holding such a grudge for the rest of my life. It only pushes those away who I love because they fear the day they may do something that wounds me deep. I think in doing so I will live a more happier, peaceful life. I know that I do forgive people as of late who have betrayed or hurt me, I think my fear that it will happen again keeps me from never truly letting go though and this is something I really have to work on inside myself.

 

Thanks for listening as usual... you all rock.

 

Have a great holiday weekend,

XOXO

Brie 

Today's "Word Of The Day": ACCOUNTABLE

ACCOUNTABLE

ac·count·a·ble [uh-koun-tuh-buhl] 

adjective

1. subject to the obligation to report, explain, or justify something; responsible; answerable.

2. capable of being explained; explicable; explainable.

 So gosh its been a while, I am super sorry a lot of real life things going on around here. We were all super sick with some weird intestinal virus, ended up putting my other half in the er a few times. Be careful out there kids, this one is a doozy. I am also getting my child ready to end her school year which is bittersweet. She will now be a middle schooler, almost a teenager, they grow so so fast. And finally, I am getting ready for a 2 week vacation with my daughter in beautiful Kansas with my best friend which I can not be more excited about. She is one of the true positives Second Life has brought me, in the nearly 3 years we have been friends we have been inseparable and it is like she has always been a fixture in my life. Getting this unique opportunity to spend a few weeks with her in the real world is something I am truly grateful for.... we leave june 4th and then 2 weeks on a Army Base with all that eye candy and my bestie, how can it be anything but amazing?

So the word on my mind is accountable or accountability as of late.  Something I see a lot with the behavior of people on the internet is the lack of accountability for their actions. Because no one is held to that standard, or most people or even some people for that matter (if you want to do semantics with me) is that it gives people license to be abusive to the people around them. Because they realize in most cases there is no real consequence for their actions it is ok to just do whatever they feel like. Problem is in their wake they leave so many people hurt or worse it really is so senseless. I mean it is the internet if you dont like someone just mute them or be a grown up and just dont deal with them. It isnt rocket science people, it is just plain old common sense.

 The worst part is not only do they know they can just run amuck and do as they feel to the people in their wake but to some people the rest of us inadvertently encourage such behavior and even feed into it. Platforms like SL Secrets and the anonymity of the anon plurks make it easy to target one person or many, with no fear of any repercussions for their actions. We not only make it a point to read them weekly but we then have to talk about them and give those people their 15 min of fame for what? Being a coward? Being hateful? I don't get it. It is all funny until lo and behold you piss off some random person and there you are, this week's nacho secret... is it really worth it?

Now I really have no idea how to hold people accountable on the internet. But I do know feeding the beast is not going to help matters so I for one can not keep doing so. I want my bubble happy for the most part, I mean nothing is perfect right? But I would like to know that myself and the people around me are not causing some of the discord in life. As usual I am probably making no sense but Im gonna stick with this for now. Just remember in the game of russian roulette eventually someone gets the bullet.... drama is no different. You play with it long enough chances are eventually you will be the focus of it. 

Have a amazing Sunday.

XOXO
Brie  

Today's "Word Of The Day" - VERTIGO

VERTIGO

ver·ti·go - [vur-ti-goh] 

noun, plural ver·ti·goes, ver·tig·i·nes [ver-tij-uh-neez] 

1.a dizzying sensation of tilting within stable surroundings or of being in tilting or spinning surroundings.

 

 I hope you all had an amazing weekend. Mine was rather quiet and spent at home. I haven't been feeling so well so I have been trying to just take things easy. Which basically means, I lay in bed and do my impression of a potato. Not terribly productive but sometimes, very necessary.

  For those who don't know me so well, I was diagnosed with Meniere's Disease in 2008.  It is an auto-immune disease that effects the inner bony labyrinth of the ear. That is the snail shaped innermost part of your ear that contains fluids that control balance for the human body. It came on suddenly, with no real rhyme or reason and has been a constant in my life ever since. It has symptoms from vertigo to tinnitus (ringing in the ears) and hearing loss. It effects people usually over 40 and in one ear, I am a rare occurrence as I was 33 and I have it in both ears not just one. It has left me unable to work and about 53% hearing impaired, soon I will need to get hearing aids and eventually I will be mostly if not completely deaf.

  Before I got sick I moved here from San Francisco, I had a good job as a bookkeeper for a private charter school  I was really content in my life. When I became sick I had to seek out doctors who took me serious because of my age and the "normal" circumstances of Meniere's patients... it took me over a year to get a actual diagnosis. The craziest part was my own doctor did not diagnose me, the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor that the Social Security Disability people had check me over found this is what happened to me.It has been a true test of patience and knowing trusting that someone would finally take me serious and treat me appropriately. 

  I was really angry for a long time because I truly felt it was unfair to be sick like this. But I have come to the point now I see it as a blessing. It is the universe's way of telling me to slow down, focus on what is important and cherish it. Someday it will no longer be there so embrace it today with all you have. If I hadn't been sick, I would not have the time, real quality time, with my daughter.  I would be working all the time and by the time I got home, just too exhausted to do anything. Volunteering at her school? Never happen. I would not be able to take time from my financial duties to go on field trips and help out with her classroom activities. I wouldn't still be on Second Life, I would have abandoned that long ago. And though it isn't all awesome in there, I create art in the pictures I take and contribute something in the items I create. So, there is a reason for everything... even if I would rather not be so dizzy I fall down, take medication that makes me sleep all day and have to ask people to repeat themselves 128347392 times in a conversation. 

  So you are wondering what the hell is my point? It is this, everything happens for a reason and we all have a choice when given the circumstances of our life. I choose to take it and try to be positive. I could really be miserable and treat everyone horrible and end up alone. But I am choosing to make the most of the time I have because I want to go to my grave with amazing memories. When I meet my son in heaven someday I want to be able to tell him all of the amazing parts of my life, I live for him because he could not.

 

XOXO,

Brie 

Today's "Word Of The Day": GENEROSITY

GENEROSITY

gen·er·os·i·ty - [jen-uh-ros-i-tee] 

noun, plural gen·er·os·i·ties.

1.readiness or liberality in giving.

2.freedom from meanness or smallness of mind or character.

3.a generous act: We thanked him for his many generosities.

4.largeness or fullness; amplitude.

  Well this week started off to a rocky start. My thoughts and prayers go out to the victims in Boston and Iraq with the bombings this past Monday. It really makes one stop and think about what is really important in life. The little things we spend so much energy on, the drama's and fights we pursue... are they really that important? I have kept my Plurk and SL kind of in a bubble so I don't see all the unpleasantness but I notice others really are being bogged down by it. Life is really just too short to spend one moment dealing with someone who is only trying to spread misery to those around you. If we all just stopped for a moment and did one thing to spread a little joy and happiness... could you imagine how much more enjoyable life could be?
  I challenge you all who read this to do 1 selfless act for a complete stranger this week. Whether it is buying coffee for the person behind you at starbucks or helping someone load their groceries in their car, do SOMETHING that gives you joy inside your heart and puts a smile on another persons face. You can post about it in the comments, on plurk, or not at all. All I ask is you try to promote generosity and good will toward the people you come in contact every day. All you should ask that they do in return is to pay it forward and do a kind deed for another person. You can do this in the real world or in Second Life. I just think the world in general is bogged down with so much negativity that we are losing sight of the good that still exists in this world. No one is going to change it for you, so it is up to all of us to go out there and try to do our part.
  I hope you have a better week world. Please don't let the actions of a few sick, misled persons dull the light you carry inside you. Know that for every evil deed being done, 10 amazing miracles are happening elsewhere on this giant rock we call home. And know this one lady in Phoenix, sitting in the dark typing to you all, has faith that there is still good to be found.

XOXO,
Brie

Today's "Word Of The Day": OPTIMISTIC

OPTIMISTIC

op·ti·mis·tic - [op-tuh-mis-tik]

adjective

1.disposed to take a favorable view of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.

2.reflecting a favorable view of events and conditions and the expectation of a positive outcome; demonstrating optimism: an optimistic plan.

 

 Hello Stranger!

  Sorry I havent written in a bit, I have been BUILDING! It feels great to be making things again and learning something new. My daughter, Carter (In her attempt to nudge me back to work I think)  got this amazing little in-world gadget for me called a mesh studio. It works similar to a prim oven... you build what you want out of prims, add their script and voila! you are handed a mesh file outside of sl to import into blender or whatever you choose to work with. Its been great fun learning and I have found I can make a lot of things this way. It has done a lot for my overall mood and general happiness level. 

   I never thought of myself much of an optimist, I am by nature a realist... meaning I see things in the absolute logical way which isnt always healthy, dreaming is a good thing too. I am really trying to break out of that train of thought and trying to see things in a more positive light. I must admit for all the good I feel creating the little things I have, I am overwhelmingly paranoid that something is going to happen again and for me to stay on my guard. But, I am a creative person and trying to hold back that part of myself is like asking a bird not to fly... just not going to happen.

   So anyway I hope you all have an amazing week, I am going to do my best to do so. 

 

XOXO,

Brie 

Today's "Word Of The Day" : BLESSING

BLESSING

bless·ing - [bles-ing]

noun

1.the act or words of a person who blesses.

2.a special favor, mercy, or benefit: the blessings of liberty.

3.a favor or gift bestowed by God, thereby bringing happiness.

4.the invoking of God's favor upon a person: The son was denied his father's blessing.

 

 Hope everyone's week has started off on a good foot. I am recovering from my Easter holiday and making adorable bunny face pot pies for my family. They were not only adorable and tasty, but made my daughter smile which kind of takes the ache of not having family at the holidays go away a little. I hope all who celebrated Easter and Passover this past weekend enjoyed and cherished this time with their family, remember nothing is forever so cherish the small things like holidays because they may not always be as they are now. 

  I also spent part of my day with my Second Life Family. Though my parents celebrate Passover they made an Easter celebration that really brought back memories of my childhood, before my life got so complicated, where the most important part was how much candy was in my basket. I truly felt so blessed and humbled to have such exceptional people in my life. Even though the past few months have had many, many, low points; standing with people who loved me with no agenda of their own... I felt really lucky. Life has a way of righting itself even when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  

  I really can never express to them how much I love and cherish having them in my life. They truly have saved me, even if they do not realize it. If it wasn't for them, Sammi and Ken I would have succumbed to my depression long ago and I don't think I would be here writing this to you right now. I know finding genuine and good people are rare, even more rare in Second Life... it is part why I really honor the friendship and family you have bestowed on me. I only hope someday to be able to convey to you how much you all mean to me.

 

XOXO,

Brie 

Today's "Word Of The Day": DEFEATED

DEFEATED

de·feat - [dih-feet] 

verb (used with object)

1.to overcome in a contest, election, battle, etc.; prevail over; vanquish: They defeated the enemy. She defeated her brother at tennis.

2.to frustrate; thwart.

3.to eliminate or deprive of something expected: The early returns defeated his hopes of election.

4.Law. to annul.

noun

5.the act of overcoming in a contest: an overwhelming defeat of all opposition.

6.an instance of defeat; setback: He considered his defeat a personal affront.

7.an overthrow or overturning; vanquishment: the defeat of a government.

8.a bringing to naught; frustration: the defeat of all his hopes and dreams.

9.the act or event of being bested; losing: Defeat is not something she abides easily.

10.Archaic. undoing; destruction; ruin.

 

 Well, half the week is over, I really wish it would just hurry the hell up already and be over. I am having a rotten day, I feel like I am literally under the boot of life, beaten and battered and unable to get up. Its amazing how you think things are going to be ok and then WHAM! the chair is kicked from under you and you are looking like an idiot with egg on her face. 

  I have had many people tell me not to let this stuff get me down, to reopen my store and to just go on and not care what other people think. It is really hard to get through to them, maybe writing this I can just say what I need to and be done with it all. The single most hurtful and really the thing I struggle most with the entire situation is that the person is someone I know, most likely trusted and maybe even considered a friend. It is what I toss around in my head over and over that someone who I trusted decided that everything I worked hard for over 2 and a half years had to go because I made a mistake. It is really simple to say they are jealous, call them haters and tell me to get over. Thing is I CANT. I care, its who I am, I am the kind of person who doesnt hide behind anonymous crap so the fact that I dont know who has such a axe to grind with me, it eats at me and I am sure this is exactly what they wanted, so bravo.

  My friend Gaby was trying to show me how much support I still have out there and posted a survey online asking people if they bought stuff from em in the past, if they would in the future and the like and again my old friend anonymous had to put their own 2 cents in there on that too. I really didn't understand how much you truly dislike me until she shared with me your words.  Calling me a joke and making sure to elaborate on how I am the laughing stock of the community really opened my eyes to things I think I have been trying to avoid. I am sorry you feel the need to kick a person when they are down, I may suggest you take a bit and look inside yourself to see what is going on that you feel you have the right to be like this to other people. 

  So to Gaby, to my parents, my twin, my kids, I wont be opening any store for kids anytime ever. I enjoy building this absolutely wounds me that I need to do this but besides crafting a gift for my grandkids or friends kids, I don't see this as a viable avenue in my future. I feel as though all the work and time I put into things I created isn't worth a thing anymore because of one stupid choice I made (which I have very openly apologized for so yeah anonymous I owned up to it because I am an adult and we adults do that sort of thing).  My heart is breaking as I write this because I truly loved contributing something to Second Life, I was proud that someday when I felt I didn't need to play anymore, a part of me would remain there. But now I feel like I am leaving a legacy to be ashamed of, I truly feel defeated when I just am trying to get through life. 

  So yeah, you there who has that shit eating grin on your face, no worries I wont be making anything overpriced and low quality for you to worry yourself over in the future, you win. If making a huge mistake over a year ago makes me a loser then a loser I must be. Id love to tell you to kiss my ass and get on with things, but really, you are a ghost... and I have more class than that.

 

XOXO,

Brie 

Today's "Word Of The Day": JUSTIFICATION

JUSTIFICATION

jus·ti·fi·ca·tion - [juhs-tuh-fi-key-shuhn] 

noun

1.a reason, fact, circumstance, or explanation that justifies or defends: His insulting you was ample justification for you to leave the party.

Happy Caturday kids!
  Something has been nagging me a lot lately and I thought I would just put it out there for everyone to ponder and maybe help me to understand because I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it. I wonder about the level of entitlement and justification I see people take a hold of in Second Life with the way they treat others. I saw it mostly when I had my store, people who felt because they were spending their lindens they had the right to ask for the most insane things. If you didn't accommodate they threatened, belittled or even slandered your good name.
  Like with the arcade event, people put so much of their money in something they know is not guaranteed to give you a "rare" item or such yet they feel entitled and justified to IM you and harass you demanding you give them what they want. No I am sorry, you have free will, no one put a gun to your head, you did not have to spend 5k on the super awesome tea set.... get over it. You are spending real money on not real goods you have to remember this is a virtual world and though many, including myself at one time, depend on your doing this, you do not by any means HAVE TO.
  I ask this because I struggle with my situation a lot these days, I miss working so much and I still have items that my cousin gave me as well as things I purchased from in-world mesh creators I would love to be able to complete and sell on the market again. I miss having my store, I know some people miss me having it there... I get the occasional IM or note card asking if I will ever create again. I want to say I don't care what people think but the truth is, I do. It is not a switch I can just flip and turn off caring, it is part of who I am.
  What makes people feel they are entitled to ruin someone's SL and pretty much their livelihood over something so trivial as making a mistake and using items from the internet that you purchased? I know for a fact others have made this mistake, so what made me so special I needed to be put on trial and made an example of? What makes people think they have the right to be judge and jury over the other people just trying to get by and be happy? We all as human beings judge others, I don't care what you say but when it gets to a point it is truly effecting and causing a negative effect on another persons life, you have to stand back and think is this the person I truly want to be?
  Personally, I want to make a positive and lasting good effect on the people I come in contact with in life. Be it on the computer or in the real world I want my life to matter more than "Oh shes that idiot who bought some stuff off turbo squid and sold it on Second Life." I want to be someone who makes others feel like they matter, I want to help make their life happier, more fulfilled.... I don't know I sound like a huge geek right now don't I?
  I don't know maybe you can help me out there in the interwebs figure out a direction to go in. Do I keep making furniture for kids and family because it is something I love, or should I just move on. Do something else or god forbid leave SL and just go be happy in the real world. Id really like your all's imput because well sometimes it helps to have strangers give like advice or whatever. As always, thank you so much for listening and taking time out to read my insights.

XOXO,
Brie

Today's "Word Of The Day": SERENITY

SERENITY

se·ren·i·ty - [suh-ren-i-tee] 

noun

1.the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil; sereneness.

 

Well happy Friday kids!

  This week started off fast till Wednesday but then boy howdy did it crawl the rest of the week.  I think my week of vacation and Disneyland fun really threw me all out of whack. But the weekend is here so I am going to try to catch up on some sleep and just relax with some friends in the real world. My boyface has a friend who's wife is about to give birth like any time now.... god I remember those days. I certainly do not miss being up all night with a newborn but I am sad because my Sammi is growing up and since she is my last kiddo, I wish I could hold onto her littleness a bit longer. 

  Ive been trying to find inner peace and calmness lately, which has been interesting considering I am waging a all out war with my inner demons all the time. But I think in order to get to a place of just living in the moment, you have to find peace with the things in life you have no control over. Its been interesting and I am learning I am really an impatient person who desires a level of  instant gratification that comes when I need some sort of .... I guess closure or satisfaction right now. It is the spoiled brat in me, go figure there is one inside all that mess. 

  I have struggled this week because I accomplished building things for some friends and family and I am really proud of them but I am so paralyzed by the fear of people making an issue out of me actually making something I just put it in my inventory and go about my day. I wish I didn't care what other people thought about me so much, it really is just something I am increasingly frustrated by. Well maybe someday Ill find my mojo again I don't know, was nice to create something from a mix of meshes I made with a mesh oven (Kind of like a prim oven but for mesh) and some pieces from old projects. Been a hoot I tell ya, maybe someday Ill feel confident enough to show them off, for now I guess they are for me and the people I made them for. Either way I felt mighty productive and I haven't felt that in a long while. 

 

Anyway you have a great night all!

XOXO,

Brie 

Today's "Word Of The Day": PERSERVERANCE

PERSERVERANCE

noun per·se·ver·ance -[pur-suh-veer-uhns]

 1.steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.


Well kids another day is over, I for one am pooped. My Meniere's Disease has been kicking my butt lately, too much vertigo and ear ringing for one person, you would swear I spent my youth in all of the raves ever. Really very tired of feeling tired and sick all the time but what can a girl do, right?

  Today's word is something I have over time grown to appreciate. A persons ability to persevere through hard times. Just when you think the muddy boot of life has pushed you down as far as you can go, shockingly it is when you really find out the stuff you are made of. I have watched it in others and have found this ability in myself time and time again.

  More so with Second Life than any other internet based part of my virtual life, I have had to come back from times where I truly thought I just could not go on and have shocked myself with how much stronger I truly am inside. Lately I have felt more confident and at peace with the circumstances that have brought me here. I forgive those who chose to single me out and target me, who tried so hard to make a mock example of something that I have come to find so very many creators have been tapping into. Not saying it is right, just I know I am not alone in how and where I have acquired things, so I am not an example, I am just the one they chose to sink their teeth in for their own reasons.

  Now I am usually one to hold a grudge and though I am finding it way hard to not want to find the people who attacked me and have a little "Come to Jesus" moment with them, I choose to just let it go and try to be happy. I find myself wanting to create again, not sure what but something, ya know? I am really proud of myself for wanting to move on and not let those who have their own agendas drag me down, and those around me.

  I am ever so grateful for the friendships I have made over the past few months and ever more grateful for those that have solidified and grown as well. It really is true what people say, in times of hardship you truly do find who you can count on. And for them I truly am appreciative, you know who you all are so I wont bore the masses with all my fancy wording :)

  So when you feel like life has got you in a corner and you are just no ones favorite person, put on your stilettos and raise above the muck and the mess and just BE HAPPY with who you are. In that you truly will find strength and the ability to yes, Persevere in spite of the hard times. I know right now you may feel like you will never see the sunrise but I promise you, when you turn the bend you will and it will be glorious.

  Life is like a roller coaster kids, without the lows you would never know when things were at their height and fabulous. So sit back, try to be patient, the ride will get better.

XOXO,
Brie

If Wishes Were Rainbows

Sometimes I wish there was a rewind button for life. Some way you could turn things back and get a mulligan, a do-over. I wish I could go back a month ago when I was happy, When my family was happy, When we were together and things looked so bright and hopeful. I am sitting here with my heart shattered because I am watching people I love so very much slowly slip away and they don't even know it. I know I probably deserve it, this is my punishment for my mistakes, for being such a complete embarrassment to the people who care about me, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I sit and try to fight for what I want, for those I care about but it just makes them run faster and I am just left sitting here having to watch it happen and there is nothing I can do about it.

I want to make an admission because I know it is the only way I can feel better. This whole situation has had a huge toll on me emotionally, I have tried to put a smile on my face but I can not any longer. I have lost so many things in the last year and as hard as I am trying to bounce back from it, I can't. I feel dreadfully alone even with having Walter and Sammi here. I just want to go lay in my bed and cry till I sleep and pray I never wake up. I have dealt with being Bipolar since I was 14 years old (I am nearly 38 now) and have always found ways to channel my feelings but all the negativity and general saddness lately, I am finding it harder and harder to be strong.

On Sunday you all who love the SL Secrets found this image:

And with the exception of one amazing person (thank you for your kind words by the way) it fell on deaf ears. I really would love to just end it all, I truly think that the world would be better without me. But I can't leave my daughter with no one and so I still wake up every day and try to be happy, even if inside I am not.

I am telling you this all because like all my posts, I hope to God I am not alone. I sincerely hope there is someone out there who has the same battle going on inside so I can know that this is going to end and get better some day. I hope that all those who dwell on the small stuff can understand there is a bigger picture, that your actions truly do effect the lives of others and even if this is just a "Game" and only "on the computer" that I am a real person, my heart is really hurting, I just want to be happy. I dont want to be treated like a doormat, or targeted by people who are petty and just want to watch me suffer I want my life a month ago, where I felt safe and I thought everything was finally going to work out.

Anyway as always thank you for letting me put this out there because I needed to get that out, I needed my theraputic cry. Now Im going to go wash my face and put my smile back on and try to do my best to get through the rest of the day.

Happy Rezday to Me (insert sarcastic eyeroll here)
Brie