Today's "Word Of The Day" - CLOSURE

clo·sure

[kloh-zher] 

noun

1.the act of closing; the state of being closed.

2.a bringing to an end; conclusion.

 

  I know I know, I fail I have not been chatty for some time now. I am going to do my best to change that. Just been dealing with the real world, adjusting to life as a parent of a Junior High parent. Times like this I sincerely wish my daughter was like in SL, forever a little one. She is my last born, my baby... slowly watching her grow into her own awesome little own person has been challenging and sad but also amazing and beautiful. She is going to do amazing things, you can just see it in her.
  I recently had the opportunity to let go of something that still is very painful to think about too long. I had a daughter in second life for most of 2 years of my life, I loved her as much as I love my own real life children and in the end, well it just did not work. She attempted to reach out and talk with me which brought on a knee-jerk reaction to be angry. But I did not feed into that, I thought long and hard about the entire situation and in the end, it was best to just let her go. I know that even if she grew and learned and was a different person, we as friends would not work. In the end, I believe I would be hurt again and through our friendship I had truly been hurt enough. I let her go with good wishes for life but explained that I can not survive my heart being hurt again and that this was the best.
  I truly believe the act of forgiving is something that feeds the soul so very much. It has the ability to heal your heart and though hurts in your life, even when the scars remain. Letting her go has given me much peace in my life. It has allowed me to enjoy and appreciate those who love me and given me a better capacity to love them in return. I dont have this pain in my heart holding me back from giving to those around me, which I think is always a good thing. I will not say that I do not miss them, that I do not wish things had played out different because that would be a lie. But that was a part in our life that hopefully taught us something and allowed us to grow as people. I wish her well, with much happiness and good things in life. I just can not be a part of it any longer.
  I urge you all to let go of things holding you back from being truly happy. Though I know I have a long way to go, getting this off my heart and letting go has allowed me to get a bit closer to the person I truly want to be. It has opened the door to meeting beautiful new people and making some amazing new friendships. I know this will be a positive for me as well as you.

Have an amazing Sunday,
XOXO,
Brie

 

Today's "Word Of The Day" - EXACERBATE

ex·ac·er·bate

ex·ac·er·bat·ed, ex·ac·er·bat·ing.

verb (used with object)

1.

to increase the severity, bitterness, or violence of (disease, ill feeling, etc.); aggravate.

2.

to embitter the feelings of (a person); irritate; exasperate.

Hello from House-sitting  I was having a nice enjoyable QUIET time when I was shown a plurk stream from a few days ago that set me on my heels. Apparently, the act of one using purchased models from online in SL (which we have visited again and again and yes, still sorry I made a idiotic mistake) is called "Tiny Spacing" in some circles. I am deeply offended that for 1, my mistake is being lumping in with people who use these files knowingly when they are not even the same thing. And 2, even after 6 months, people really just feel the need to drag up all this yet again. I had dreaded this exact thing happen and yet, am hurt and shocked that things are being put at my feet yet again.

I really do not know what is with these peoples life that they feel that they need to keep dredging things over and over again to feel better. I made a mistake, I am certain each and every one of us has made a mistake in life. I am an adult, I admitted it... I learned from it, I have put a lot of time and work into learning things so I can still create again. I have removed myself as much as possible from the Kid community as I feel I am not welcome there, I have worked hard to push forward and be a better person for this experience.

I have felt happier, more accepted and genuinely all around better for it, whoever you are you did me a favor in the end. But now it is really time to just put it aside. You want to play IP police, knock yourself out. I build in front of people, I have witnesses as proof of the things I have made. They are by no means extravagant or high end, they are simple but I take pride in them because they are mine and a piece of who I am that I choose to share with the world. I do not want to be the target of this any longer and really implore you to let it go. I really do not know how much more to make things clear, and I want to try. I am trying to be better to everyone, even those who do not make me feel fuzzy inside. I realize that in the end only I have control over the world and people around me. You hurt me and continue to do so but I will not leave and stop the world I enjoy so much because you want to do it, it makes me happy and gives me a purpose.

I sincerely hope this puts to rest this issue with me. For those who like to purchase things on the net, I sincerely hope that you take my story as a example that things will come out, that if it is wrong, it will come out. Learning is hard, its frustrating, i delete way more than I ever finish, I cuss at my computer and scream out of sheer frustration. But when someone tells me they really enjoy something I make, something I didnt think 6 months ago that I could do, I am proud of myself for pulling myself up by the bootstraps. If I can do it, I promise you can. And now I am going to go cuddle my daughter and sleep and try to enjoy the time I have in peace and quiet before life gets busy with school and volleyball and dramatic almost 11 year old girl problems. 

XOXO,

Brie 

Today's "Word Of The Day" - THANKFUL

THANKFUL

thank·ful - [thangk-fuhl] 

adjective

feeling or expressing gratitude; appreciative.

  I know, I know, you are wondering if I fell off the face of the earth. I didn't I swear, I just had vacation and then a frantic few weeks of getting stuff together for the Home Show that starts this coming Monday....  I fail as a consistent blogger, I hope you can forgive me.

   So I saw this blogger challenge put forth by the fabulous Dame Edith Ogleby that is right up my alley. You can read all about it HERE but basically it encourages us all to just show someone, anyone, be it someone you know or not that you are glad they are here, that you are thankful and appreciative... I love it. So in honor of this amazing thing Ill get down to the mushy stuff.

  My Twinnie, Maddy Carissa

  It was fate that this lady and I met almost 3 years ago. She had adopted a child who used to be mine and stumbled into my old store, Tiny Spaces and then began her stalking me a little bit. What one would have thought creepy I found hysterical because as most people know, I am a bit of a hermit and kind of shy until I know you better. Her and I clicked from the get go and we have been inseparable ever since.  Sometimes you just meet someone and from day one, you feel like you have known each other forever. We had the luck of getting to meet in real life earlier this month and for 2 whole weeks we were joined at the hip, when I came home I cried like a baby and I am trying so hard to find a way to just get back there to spend more time with her. She has been my constant support, saw me through some very hard times in my last few years and is someone I know no matter what she will always have my back when the chips are down. I love her big she is my sister in every way that matters. 

My Husband, Walter Kovacs

  Who says you can't meet the love of your life on a sex driven sim in Second Life? I was really lucky to say I did. We met in the strangest of places, our relationship is anything but conventional but I really dont know what I would do or where I would be if our paths had never crossed. I never met someone who loves me as unconditionally as you do. I have tried to push you away time after time and like the perverbial rock, there you stay. I love how you look at me and how we fit together just right when we cuddle up to sleep. You make me feel like I can do anything, I can never thank you enough for choosing to spend your life with me and helping me raise Sammi to be an amazing adult. I sincerely can not wait to see what the future brings us, I love you always.

And Everybody Else....

  I really can't just list all of you and so I will just say here, to the people I have met in Second Life and on Plurk be it good or bad, thank you for touching my life. The loves of my life have brought me such immense joy I can never express how much it cheers me up to just share a few moments with each of you every day. To the ones who have hurt me, I thank you for the lessons your pain has taught me, for showing me who is valued to my life and how to be able to shake off the hurt and just move forward. You all have changed me so much in the 5 and a half years and Id like to think overall, it has been for the best. You have made me a more appreciative, honest and compassionate person and I am very thankful for the experiences I have had with each of you no matter how small.

Have an amazing weekend.
XOXO,
Brie
 

Everyone Has A Secret

  Everyone has a secret. I dont care who you are, how well you live your life, who you surround yourself with. Everyone has something they keep hidden from those closest to them because they either fear being rejected because of it or the unknown consequences are just too much to bear, but there is something at some point we have kept for just ourselves.

  None of us is innocent either, we have had moments where a friend becomes an enemy or when we have offended or hurt another person... intentional or not. Not a one of us is without fault, it is part of being human and something even though we may not like about ourselves it is something that is definitely a part of who we are.

  But it is when we try to be the moral superior and make those who have made mistakes or have hidden these parts of themselves feel less than a person that turns your jab at them into something truly mean. Places like SL Secrets and anonymous forms of posting really shine a light to the issues we all have on the internet. They are giving a platform not for people to expose something about themselves, but to try to make someone else feel bad. I am pretty certain when the persons at Shoppingcartdisco.com made their SL Secrets posts that they were modeling it after the unique Postsecrets.com in that it gives us somewhere to admit something about ourselves, anonymously. It is healthy to be able to get something out that you have carried around for however long. It is a proven fact that holding these things inside you can do damage and make you sick. Giving someone a way to let it out is a beneficial thing.

  But somewhere along the way people of SL decided it would be a great place to "out" others and "name and shame". Take this week and so many weeks before where a Nacho picture has been posted with many many jabs at that person. Like, we get it... he has hurt you. He has moved on and is OK why do you feel it is so necessary to harbor such hate toward someone who very apparently could care less about you. Just LET IT GO for the love of god and be happy. Also, one this week was actually posted about someone I happen to know which jabs that maybe she is not who she appears to be. Do you care if she is a male or female in her real life? Like, does it change anything? No. It really doesn't. She deserves to be happy in any way she can see fit. If its a man living as a woman in SL who the hell made you the morality police, the person who says she can or can not play SL as she wants. Thats like throwing a hissy cause you play a furry or a tiny, OR A CHILD. It is their SL, let them live it as they see fit.

  I never really understood the need for such things and like I say over and over again, if you dislike someone then don't deal with them. There is millions of other people to interact with why do you need to follow those around who you do not like and who do not like you just to make their life miserable. Both of those people I just mentioned I don't have any love for to be honest, I have not had the most amazing interactions with them but you do not see me spewing hate about them. We tried friendship, it didn't stick, I moved on and so have they (or least I hope so). I think they deserve to be as happy as the next guy and it is not my place to damage that. I believe in Karma both good and bad and putting a positive feeling out in the world works for me. I ask the people who feel they need to put this hate out there, how is it working for your life and your overall happiness?

  Sure you get a giggle for a minute but then you are left with the knowledge that it is the internet, it is there FOREVER and it can not ever be taken back. Your moment of childish hate is now there for all time. You truly can not take those words back and maybe right now you wont want to, but I am sure someday when you are on the other end of that line, you will wish someone had just let it go. I have made the one single secret and it was about myself and how the people who posted the ones about me made me feel like I shouldn't be around to be made the center of bullying. I have no desire to post them about those I don't like, I just treat them as if they do not exist to me. If I see them I either say nothing or am polite. We are all adults here, at least I am and I have more class than to stoop to these levels. I hope that people take this to heart and maybe next time they open photoshop to make some stupid clipart say something horrible, they will think that may be the final straw for someone. And think of how bad you would feel to know your idiotic "secret" ended someones life possibly.

  Just remember, you think we all care about how angry you are at someone. But we don't. We have more important things to worry about, grown up things. Like paying bills, raising kids, living life. Your stupid nacho pictures and pictures of Dixie plates really don't do a damn thing for our lives. So please, just let it all go and go do something that really makes you happy, cause this isn't it.

XOXO,
Brie

Today's "Word Of The Day" - EPIPHANY

EPIPHANY

e·piph·a·ny [ih-pif-uh-nee] 

noun, plural e·piph·a·nies.

1. A sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

 

 The week is almost over, I hope you all are hanging in there!

 

I have been doing a lot of thinking about myself and who I am as a person lately. Like how the way I am and how I tend to behave in situations can affect the people around me. Most of it I am OK with, some stuff not so much but I am sure (Least I hope so) we all go through these moments from time to time. Lately has just been one of those moments for little old me.

 

I realized something, well it was pointed out to me the other day and I really took a long hard look at myself and found that it was really true. I am one of those people, friends of mine I have had a long time will agree, I am one of those people who is an awesome, easy going kind of friend and it takes a lot to really make me angry with someone. Sure, I get annoyed like anyone else but I get over it pretty fast. I have always tried to live by the rule that the best way to have good friends is to be one. I would like to think that I am a reflection of the good people I choose to surround myself with. Sometimes someone not so great sneaks in but no one can pretend to be what they aren't forever, so eventually we part ways and go on with life. 

 

 

 

It is in those times, where I feel betrayed and hurt a really ugly side of me comes out. In the moment where I am hurting most, I lash out at those around me... mainly those who hurt me but sometimes I have a wide scope with my anger and I hurt people I don't mean to. If I feel done wrong by a person they no longer have any place in my world, I care nothing about them, their life, their problems. I just care that they hurt me and how bad that feels. I really don't know exactly why I go to such extremes with people but I can get downright vindictive and Ive been told it can be quite frightening the lengths I go to feel vindicated even if I do damage that can never be repaired.

 

I realized that this is a true and unadulterated form of defense for me. I have been abused by many many people who were important to me in my life, my parents, my ex-husband... some friends. My ex-husband would beat the tar out of me, sleep with a prostitute or random Internet girl and I was not allowed to show any emotion to his actions. I was to behave as though he was the perfect spouse, something is absolutely was not. Over 9 years I became a shell of a person, it took him holding a rifle at me to get me to value myself and my life, and to inevitably break free from his abuse. I promised myself I would never stand idle while someone mistreated me... I guess I have taken it to the other end of the submissive spectrum with it, I feel really bad for those I inadvertently hurt over the past 12 years.  

 

I really am going to make a conscious effort to be more, grey area with this. It is ok to feel hurt and to express it but at the end of the day, forgiving them and moving on has to be more than holding such a grudge for the rest of my life. It only pushes those away who I love because they fear the day they may do something that wounds me deep. I think in doing so I will live a more happier, peaceful life. I know that I do forgive people as of late who have betrayed or hurt me, I think my fear that it will happen again keeps me from never truly letting go though and this is something I really have to work on inside myself.

 

Thanks for listening as usual... you all rock.

 

Have a great holiday weekend,

XOXO

Brie 

Today's "Word Of The Day": ACCOUNTABLE

ACCOUNTABLE

ac·count·a·ble [uh-koun-tuh-buhl] 

adjective

1. subject to the obligation to report, explain, or justify something; responsible; answerable.

2. capable of being explained; explicable; explainable.

 So gosh its been a while, I am super sorry a lot of real life things going on around here. We were all super sick with some weird intestinal virus, ended up putting my other half in the er a few times. Be careful out there kids, this one is a doozy. I am also getting my child ready to end her school year which is bittersweet. She will now be a middle schooler, almost a teenager, they grow so so fast. And finally, I am getting ready for a 2 week vacation with my daughter in beautiful Kansas with my best friend which I can not be more excited about. She is one of the true positives Second Life has brought me, in the nearly 3 years we have been friends we have been inseparable and it is like she has always been a fixture in my life. Getting this unique opportunity to spend a few weeks with her in the real world is something I am truly grateful for.... we leave june 4th and then 2 weeks on a Army Base with all that eye candy and my bestie, how can it be anything but amazing?

So the word on my mind is accountable or accountability as of late.  Something I see a lot with the behavior of people on the internet is the lack of accountability for their actions. Because no one is held to that standard, or most people or even some people for that matter (if you want to do semantics with me) is that it gives people license to be abusive to the people around them. Because they realize in most cases there is no real consequence for their actions it is ok to just do whatever they feel like. Problem is in their wake they leave so many people hurt or worse it really is so senseless. I mean it is the internet if you dont like someone just mute them or be a grown up and just dont deal with them. It isnt rocket science people, it is just plain old common sense.

 The worst part is not only do they know they can just run amuck and do as they feel to the people in their wake but to some people the rest of us inadvertently encourage such behavior and even feed into it. Platforms like SL Secrets and the anonymity of the anon plurks make it easy to target one person or many, with no fear of any repercussions for their actions. We not only make it a point to read them weekly but we then have to talk about them and give those people their 15 min of fame for what? Being a coward? Being hateful? I don't get it. It is all funny until lo and behold you piss off some random person and there you are, this week's nacho secret... is it really worth it?

Now I really have no idea how to hold people accountable on the internet. But I do know feeding the beast is not going to help matters so I for one can not keep doing so. I want my bubble happy for the most part, I mean nothing is perfect right? But I would like to know that myself and the people around me are not causing some of the discord in life. As usual I am probably making no sense but Im gonna stick with this for now. Just remember in the game of russian roulette eventually someone gets the bullet.... drama is no different. You play with it long enough chances are eventually you will be the focus of it. 

Have a amazing Sunday.

XOXO
Brie  

Today's "Word Of The Day" - VERTIGO

VERTIGO

ver·ti·go - [vur-ti-goh] 

noun, plural ver·ti·goes, ver·tig·i·nes [ver-tij-uh-neez] 

1.a dizzying sensation of tilting within stable surroundings or of being in tilting or spinning surroundings.

 

 I hope you all had an amazing weekend. Mine was rather quiet and spent at home. I haven't been feeling so well so I have been trying to just take things easy. Which basically means, I lay in bed and do my impression of a potato. Not terribly productive but sometimes, very necessary.

  For those who don't know me so well, I was diagnosed with Meniere's Disease in 2008.  It is an auto-immune disease that effects the inner bony labyrinth of the ear. That is the snail shaped innermost part of your ear that contains fluids that control balance for the human body. It came on suddenly, with no real rhyme or reason and has been a constant in my life ever since. It has symptoms from vertigo to tinnitus (ringing in the ears) and hearing loss. It effects people usually over 40 and in one ear, I am a rare occurrence as I was 33 and I have it in both ears not just one. It has left me unable to work and about 53% hearing impaired, soon I will need to get hearing aids and eventually I will be mostly if not completely deaf.

  Before I got sick I moved here from San Francisco, I had a good job as a bookkeeper for a private charter school  I was really content in my life. When I became sick I had to seek out doctors who took me serious because of my age and the "normal" circumstances of Meniere's patients... it took me over a year to get a actual diagnosis. The craziest part was my own doctor did not diagnose me, the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor that the Social Security Disability people had check me over found this is what happened to me.It has been a true test of patience and knowing trusting that someone would finally take me serious and treat me appropriately. 

  I was really angry for a long time because I truly felt it was unfair to be sick like this. But I have come to the point now I see it as a blessing. It is the universe's way of telling me to slow down, focus on what is important and cherish it. Someday it will no longer be there so embrace it today with all you have. If I hadn't been sick, I would not have the time, real quality time, with my daughter.  I would be working all the time and by the time I got home, just too exhausted to do anything. Volunteering at her school? Never happen. I would not be able to take time from my financial duties to go on field trips and help out with her classroom activities. I wouldn't still be on Second Life, I would have abandoned that long ago. And though it isn't all awesome in there, I create art in the pictures I take and contribute something in the items I create. So, there is a reason for everything... even if I would rather not be so dizzy I fall down, take medication that makes me sleep all day and have to ask people to repeat themselves 128347392 times in a conversation. 

  So you are wondering what the hell is my point? It is this, everything happens for a reason and we all have a choice when given the circumstances of our life. I choose to take it and try to be positive. I could really be miserable and treat everyone horrible and end up alone. But I am choosing to make the most of the time I have because I want to go to my grave with amazing memories. When I meet my son in heaven someday I want to be able to tell him all of the amazing parts of my life, I live for him because he could not.

 

XOXO,

Brie 

Today's "Word Of The Day": RESILIENCE

RESILIENCE

re·sil·ience - [ri-zil-yuhns, -zil-ee-uhns] 

noun

1.the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.

2.ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

 

 Happy Caturday all!

  I have had quite an interesting week. Most of it has been taking care of Ken and Sammi, who both decided it would be fun to get sick, lets hope they didn't share. But the week ended on one of the highest notes ever in my Second Life history. I woke up today with a smile, confident that things are going to get better, and all the low points over the last few months have been worth it. It has made me a better person and shown me some amazing friends that I knew I had but really didnt know how valued they were to me.

  Without my friends and family I would not have started building again, I wouldnt have had the courage to learn mesh and to continue learning to become a better content creator. Id like to think my love and happiness is showing through in the items I have put out to sell under a new name and new style of furniture for me. I am taking my love of reusing things in new and creative ways into Second Life and offering individual pieces that I hope will add character to homes on the grid. 

  These things are like me, once looked upon as useless and with no value but with some creativity and a different outlook can be made new and functional and yes, needed. I named my new store [Noble] because Noble has such a strong meaning, that of not only being distinguished and royal (which I am certainly not) but being of good moral character (which I try hard to be). It is also my family name, that of my Parents, Noah and Blossom Noble. These two people have given me so much strength and love since the moment I met them. I really dont know what would have happened if I did not have them, my siblings, my children and grandchildren loving and supporting me. 

 

  Everyone should have a good, stable support system in their life and before I came to Second Life, I did not have that kind of support system. I have parents, family... but I do not talk with them. They chose themselves and superficial things and not the core meaning that is family. I never felt welcome or a part of a family unit until recently. My family in real life (Besides my Grandma, Sammi and Ken of course) put a price on their love, I had to be what they wanted in order to be worthy of their love. It always made me feel like a failure as a person, that I was never enough for them so how could I be enough for anyone else in my life. These amazing people have shown me that love is something you give freely, it wraps you like a blanket and helps keep you safe and offer a buffer to the hate and ugliness that can exist in the real world. 

 I really can not ever tell my amazing Noble family how much I have appreciated being a part of your family and part of your lives. You have given me a truly precious gift, one I cherish above anything else. Without you all, I dont think I would feel 1/4 as happy as I do. I only hope to repay you all someday for your kindness, not sure how I will but I will certainly try. I love you all more than I could express on this blog. You are amazing people and I feel truly blessed to know each and every one of you.

 

XOXO,

Brie

 If you would like to visit [Noble], here is a link.

Today's "Word Of The Day": OPTIMISTIC

OPTIMISTIC

op·ti·mis·tic - [op-tuh-mis-tik]

adjective

1.disposed to take a favorable view of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.

2.reflecting a favorable view of events and conditions and the expectation of a positive outcome; demonstrating optimism: an optimistic plan.

 

 Hello Stranger!

  Sorry I havent written in a bit, I have been BUILDING! It feels great to be making things again and learning something new. My daughter, Carter (In her attempt to nudge me back to work I think)  got this amazing little in-world gadget for me called a mesh studio. It works similar to a prim oven... you build what you want out of prims, add their script and voila! you are handed a mesh file outside of sl to import into blender or whatever you choose to work with. Its been great fun learning and I have found I can make a lot of things this way. It has done a lot for my overall mood and general happiness level. 

   I never thought of myself much of an optimist, I am by nature a realist... meaning I see things in the absolute logical way which isnt always healthy, dreaming is a good thing too. I am really trying to break out of that train of thought and trying to see things in a more positive light. I must admit for all the good I feel creating the little things I have, I am overwhelmingly paranoid that something is going to happen again and for me to stay on my guard. But, I am a creative person and trying to hold back that part of myself is like asking a bird not to fly... just not going to happen.

   So anyway I hope you all have an amazing week, I am going to do my best to do so. 

 

XOXO,

Brie 

Today's "Word Of The Day": PERSERVERANCE

PERSERVERANCE

noun per·se·ver·ance -[pur-suh-veer-uhns]

 1.steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.


Well kids another day is over, I for one am pooped. My Meniere's Disease has been kicking my butt lately, too much vertigo and ear ringing for one person, you would swear I spent my youth in all of the raves ever. Really very tired of feeling tired and sick all the time but what can a girl do, right?

  Today's word is something I have over time grown to appreciate. A persons ability to persevere through hard times. Just when you think the muddy boot of life has pushed you down as far as you can go, shockingly it is when you really find out the stuff you are made of. I have watched it in others and have found this ability in myself time and time again.

  More so with Second Life than any other internet based part of my virtual life, I have had to come back from times where I truly thought I just could not go on and have shocked myself with how much stronger I truly am inside. Lately I have felt more confident and at peace with the circumstances that have brought me here. I forgive those who chose to single me out and target me, who tried so hard to make a mock example of something that I have come to find so very many creators have been tapping into. Not saying it is right, just I know I am not alone in how and where I have acquired things, so I am not an example, I am just the one they chose to sink their teeth in for their own reasons.

  Now I am usually one to hold a grudge and though I am finding it way hard to not want to find the people who attacked me and have a little "Come to Jesus" moment with them, I choose to just let it go and try to be happy. I find myself wanting to create again, not sure what but something, ya know? I am really proud of myself for wanting to move on and not let those who have their own agendas drag me down, and those around me.

  I am ever so grateful for the friendships I have made over the past few months and ever more grateful for those that have solidified and grown as well. It really is true what people say, in times of hardship you truly do find who you can count on. And for them I truly am appreciative, you know who you all are so I wont bore the masses with all my fancy wording :)

  So when you feel like life has got you in a corner and you are just no ones favorite person, put on your stilettos and raise above the muck and the mess and just BE HAPPY with who you are. In that you truly will find strength and the ability to yes, Persevere in spite of the hard times. I know right now you may feel like you will never see the sunrise but I promise you, when you turn the bend you will and it will be glorious.

  Life is like a roller coaster kids, without the lows you would never know when things were at their height and fabulous. So sit back, try to be patient, the ride will get better.

XOXO,
Brie

Today's "Word Of The Day" : COURAGE

cour·age [kur-ij, kuhr-] 

noun -the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
Happy mid-week everyone!
  Wow it has been quite a week, a lot of changes a lot of feeling. I can say I am in a better place than a week ago, I appreciate you allowing me to rant a little and get things out, you are better than any therapist on the market... really. Sometimes sharing your innermost demons really do not only yourself some good but those around you as well.
  I had a little note dropped to me from a gal I have never met thanking me for being so open with your all. I really didnt understand how my just having the courage to bear my soul to the masses could do good but in her case, it did. She really inspired me to continue my blog in the honest way I have been, I think it can help others like me who struggle with their inner demons and try to make sense of a senseless world.
  I think continuing to go forward and finding strength in the unique and sacred souls around me has really given me a healthier perspective on life. A friend of mine sent me a little graphic that says " Hey, If someone treats you like crap, just remember there is something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don't go around destroying other human beings." And you know what, its true. I am really glad to be rid of people who are toxic to my happiness.
  I miss my store and building but I do not miss worrying someone is going to accuse me of "copying" their idea or getting upset because god forbid I made something pink. I have more time to spend with my friends and exploring SL, taking funny pictures and just living life. Maybe in the future I will make some stuff again but I think I will stick with the grown folk, somehow I dont fit inside the kid community, and that is ok.

  Everything happens for a reason, I believe people leave your life to make room for new people to come in and make their home in your heart. I have the courage to move forward and see things with a new perspective. A more cautious one for sure but one that appreciates moments because they are usually fleeting.

  I will try to write more before sunday as I am going on a family vacation in the real world.

XOXO,
Brie

We All Have Issues

  We all have our own demons to bear, our own insecurities, our own fears. Sometimes they become overwhelming and you can no longer fight the voice in your head. You know, the one that screams you are worthless and a failure. That you are unworthy of love, that everyone leaves, that you are better off dead. It is this struggle I am currently going through I dont want it to win and I am trying so very hard to win and feel normal again but I fear this time it is going overwhelm me and win.
  I have a really huge fear of being abandoned by people, and over the 5 years now that I have been in SL I have made many phenomenal life-long friendships but I have also had one too many people leave me behind for different reasons. Sometimes it is for the best and I dont feel so bad about it and sometimes, well it breaks your heart.
  I have had to endure this lately with my real life and my second life. I have lost 2 real life people who werent always easy to deal with, but they were a valued part of our lives. They are in a better place now and no longer sick and suffering so that is really for the best. But I have lost friends and people I considered family, these things have completely broken my spirit. I know it shouldnt and I really should not give people this kind of power over me. But over time you grow trust and faith in a person and to have them think nothing more of you than gum on their shoe, it is really just a reality check I was not prepared for.
  I sit here taking stock of my life as of current and I am really not liking where I am in it. I am almost 38 years old, I am sick, poor, fat. I have a wonderful boyfriend who never wants to get married even though I desperately do. I had a store I was proud of but because some jealous or hateful people wanted to I guess make an example of me for my mistake, I gave that up. There was no longer joy in making things for people, whether I bought them off the internet or Marketplace. I have been robbed of my joy and I guess the illusion of how I wanted my life to be. It is a really hard slap in my face that I just am not sure I can recover from.
  I still log on SL now not because I love being there but because it is habit, because there are people I can not bear to lose touch with... It is a place full of hurt and artificial people. Someone asked today on Plurk if I could go back and tell my young self something, what would it be? I would tell me not to ever log on Second Life. I would tell myself for my sanity and for my heart to stay in tact to find something else to do. I know in doing that I would lose my beloved Walter, my best friend Maddy and my amazing SL Children Carter, Kendall and Birdie and so so many others who have touched my life. But right now all I see is the negatives of this place, I am overwhelmed with the saddness I feel because things just arent how I THINK they should be.

  As for my recently departed internet child, I wish her luck but I have to close the door on that chapter of our life. I have given you many chances to think things through and find direction, but in the end you end up crushing my heart. I have gone out of my way for you more than anyone I have met besides Walter. I have fed you when I was poor, logged on to sit with you when I was tired, sat up late nights listening to you rant about your problems. I really just needed your friendship right now and in the end, you could not deem me worthy of it. I am not worthy of your time, of your ear, of your shoulder. This isnt the first time you have left me when I needed a friend. I try to tell myself it is because you are so young, you still need to grow up and learn the value of friendship. But in the end, I just wasnt worth the effort and that hurts the absolute most. I hope that your future brings you amazing things and many new experiences, and yes... even growth. You have a lot of potential as a person but in the end it is the simplest advice I can give in these words. In order to have good friends you have to be a good friend. I think I did my part, maybe I didnt and in that I failed you but as much as my heart aches for you in my life, I will not wait around for you to think that I am worthy of your time and your friendship. I was always worthy of it, you just failed to see that.
  For everyone else reading this I am very sorry you have to and I promise this too will pass and I will be upbeat and fabulous again someday soon. I just need to let the sad out, to shed my tears, to bandage up my heart and wait for it to heal. I need to reconcile my life and how I can change it. But right now I need to bask in the love of my friends so that all of those things are possible. Because they truly are what drives me these days. My SL family and my tiny amazing rl one, they make me wake up everyday and get on with things. They are inspiring in the simplest ways, they are there.

So thanks for enduring my crazy rant for today. I wish you all a wonderful wednesday.
Brie

If Wishes Were Rainbows

Sometimes I wish there was a rewind button for life. Some way you could turn things back and get a mulligan, a do-over. I wish I could go back a month ago when I was happy, When my family was happy, When we were together and things looked so bright and hopeful. I am sitting here with my heart shattered because I am watching people I love so very much slowly slip away and they don't even know it. I know I probably deserve it, this is my punishment for my mistakes, for being such a complete embarrassment to the people who care about me, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I sit and try to fight for what I want, for those I care about but it just makes them run faster and I am just left sitting here having to watch it happen and there is nothing I can do about it.

I want to make an admission because I know it is the only way I can feel better. This whole situation has had a huge toll on me emotionally, I have tried to put a smile on my face but I can not any longer. I have lost so many things in the last year and as hard as I am trying to bounce back from it, I can't. I feel dreadfully alone even with having Walter and Sammi here. I just want to go lay in my bed and cry till I sleep and pray I never wake up. I have dealt with being Bipolar since I was 14 years old (I am nearly 38 now) and have always found ways to channel my feelings but all the negativity and general saddness lately, I am finding it harder and harder to be strong.

On Sunday you all who love the SL Secrets found this image:

And with the exception of one amazing person (thank you for your kind words by the way) it fell on deaf ears. I really would love to just end it all, I truly think that the world would be better without me. But I can't leave my daughter with no one and so I still wake up every day and try to be happy, even if inside I am not.

I am telling you this all because like all my posts, I hope to God I am not alone. I sincerely hope there is someone out there who has the same battle going on inside so I can know that this is going to end and get better some day. I hope that all those who dwell on the small stuff can understand there is a bigger picture, that your actions truly do effect the lives of others and even if this is just a "Game" and only "on the computer" that I am a real person, my heart is really hurting, I just want to be happy. I dont want to be treated like a doormat, or targeted by people who are petty and just want to watch me suffer I want my life a month ago, where I felt safe and I thought everything was finally going to work out.

Anyway as always thank you for letting me put this out there because I needed to get that out, I needed my theraputic cry. Now Im going to go wash my face and put my smile back on and try to do my best to get through the rest of the day.

Happy Rezday to Me (insert sarcastic eyeroll here)
Brie