The Last Day of the Last Month of This Year.

Happy almost new years everyone!
  Well, new year for some but in my neck of the woods, still have a few hours left of 2013. This year has definitely had its ups and downs. It started so full of promise I had family, my business was doing well, I let my guard down for the first time in a long time. By February that was all but a memory, things surely did change after that... I think for the better.
  I buckled down and have been learning to make meshes and though it is a slow and frustrating process it is one I am really proud of. I opened a new store and my product is simple but I am really happy with it, and happy when someone enjoys it. My family dynamic has changed, a few people have come and gone over the past 12 months but I am just as happy with who I surround myself now as I was this time a year ago.
  My Nara left my heart and found her way back, my Kendall is still my always child and I have Laila and Dominic who make me laugh every time we are together. Finally my little mouse is now my baby mouse, life is really funny how it all plays out. When you think your heart is in a million pieces and it will never heal time takes hold and things are as they should be.
  I got to go to Kansas and spend a few weeks with my Twinnie, Maddy and that time I will cherish my whole life. People ask if it was weird meeting for the first time in the real world and you know what? It wasnt. It was amazing and we were 2 peas in a pod just like we are in Second Life. I miss her terribly every day and hope sometime this year we get the opportunity to spend time together again. Praying the summer gives me a month in Kansas with her (and a month less of Arizona heat). She is hands down the greatest friend I have ever had I never feel judged or ashamed with her, it is pretty amazing.
  And for every friendship that ended I have made a friend or 2 to replace that hole in my heart. Plurk has been kind in giving me some amazing new people who inspire me every day and make me want to be a better person. Ive learned tons from them all, they should be told how much I appreciate their friendship and their impact on my life.
  So anyway, I am ready for the new year, I hope it is kind to me and I hope that it brings me the progress in myself and my life that I have been aching for . I hope it is kind to you too, and that you have much happiness and good health.


The Illusion of Strength

  I am tired. I'm tired of trying to look happy and make everyone think everything is OK. I am tired of hoping my life's circumstances change and things to get better. I am just... tired. Everyone around me it feels is so sad and dejected with life, it is starting to take its toll. I try and try to help and be a good friend but in the end my efforts have done nothing, It physically hurts me to watch people I love struggle. I truly do not know what to do anymore, I feel so alone.
  This time of year is hard for me, I have no family outside of Sammi and Ken, I have family but they are all so wrapped up in themselves we do not speak anymore. I have 2 older children who have chosen not to have me a part of their life anymore. I am so overwhelmingly lonely, I miss having people. I log on SL and just sit here I have little desire to be in there anymore all the people who were once a part of that do not really participate much in there anymore either and that is good, they are living. I just feel so empty inside. Before you think "well, she has Sammi and she has Ken" I am super grateful for them and if I didn't have them, I am sure Id be at my brink. I am grateful for the people I do have in my life.... I just feel very lost and I crave a sense of family and community I no longer have.
  Im going to be honest, I think about dying every day. I think how everyones life would sincerely be better off if I wasnt a part of it. Everytime I win over the thoughts, it seems like there is someone there reminding me how worthless I truly am and how much better the world would be without me in it. Sammi is truly the only reason I am here today. I couldnt leave her alone in foster care if there was no one to care for her so I stay. My fear is one day this all will win and I will give in to it.
  Contrary to possibly your belief, this isnt for attention. I truly need someone to help me find reasons to stick around here. I lay in bed every single night and physically convince myself this is not the answer, every weekend I barely sleep over the insane fear of some unknown person on the internet anonymously feeding my already existing fears about the person I love and want to spend my life with. People call me strong, I really am not very strong. Right now I am held together with duct tape, just trying to make it through today. I think if I busy myself with those around me's issues I can forget for a while I have all this bottled up inside me. I just want to be happy, really happy for one day.
  Anyway Im going to stop now because I have no idea what this is going to do for me anyway. I just needed to get this out, if it makes you all think less of me as a person, that is ok. I am just so very very tired of this weight it feels like I carry it everywhere with me.

I am sorry for everything.