The Illusion of Strength

  I am tired. I'm tired of trying to look happy and make everyone think everything is OK. I am tired of hoping my life's circumstances change and things to get better. I am just... tired. Everyone around me it feels is so sad and dejected with life, it is starting to take its toll. I try and try to help and be a good friend but in the end my efforts have done nothing, It physically hurts me to watch people I love struggle. I truly do not know what to do anymore, I feel so alone.
  This time of year is hard for me, I have no family outside of Sammi and Ken, I have family but they are all so wrapped up in themselves we do not speak anymore. I have 2 older children who have chosen not to have me a part of their life anymore. I am so overwhelmingly lonely, I miss having people. I log on SL and just sit here I have little desire to be in there anymore all the people who were once a part of that do not really participate much in there anymore either and that is good, they are living. I just feel so empty inside. Before you think "well, she has Sammi and she has Ken" I am super grateful for them and if I didn't have them, I am sure Id be at my brink. I am grateful for the people I do have in my life.... I just feel very lost and I crave a sense of family and community I no longer have.
  Im going to be honest, I think about dying every day. I think how everyones life would sincerely be better off if I wasnt a part of it. Everytime I win over the thoughts, it seems like there is someone there reminding me how worthless I truly am and how much better the world would be without me in it. Sammi is truly the only reason I am here today. I couldnt leave her alone in foster care if there was no one to care for her so I stay. My fear is one day this all will win and I will give in to it.
  Contrary to possibly your belief, this isnt for attention. I truly need someone to help me find reasons to stick around here. I lay in bed every single night and physically convince myself this is not the answer, every weekend I barely sleep over the insane fear of some unknown person on the internet anonymously feeding my already existing fears about the person I love and want to spend my life with. People call me strong, I really am not very strong. Right now I am held together with duct tape, just trying to make it through today. I think if I busy myself with those around me's issues I can forget for a while I have all this bottled up inside me. I just want to be happy, really happy for one day.
  Anyway Im going to stop now because I have no idea what this is going to do for me anyway. I just needed to get this out, if it makes you all think less of me as a person, that is ok. I am just so very very tired of this weight it feels like I carry it everywhere with me.

I am sorry for everything.


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