When You Miss Someone

Happy Monday Kids!
  So Ive been missing my Narabean like terribly lately. She fell the other day and her little ginger coconut is all having to take a break from all the complications that are the computer. Concussions are not fun kids, watch yourself and dont hit your head when you fall, ok? But most people dont know Nara has been my sl daughter for the majority of the last 2 years... things have been interesting and we had to take some breaks along the way to grow and reflect. But like that stray cat you feed.... we always come back together. I will say I have kind of adopted her in my real life, she is truly a part of my family.
  So I have been a little lost without my building buddy for the last bit of days. We could just sit and draw from one anothers creativity, its just something I am incredibly used to and so I am missing my little girl. So today I channeled my inner Naraelina.... and came out looking like someone who works for the geek squad at Best Buy. But, I kinda like it I feel very smart and stuff:)
  Anyway that is all for today just wanted to share my geeky look with the world so here you go!


(You too can look like an employee of Best Buy's Geek Squad!)

Skin: Essences - Monday skin - Untouched - brown
Hair: ::Exile:: Sexy Action News:Sunset
Ears: [MANDALA]STEKING_ears_ver2
Shirt: [Pumpkin]The cardigan(white)
Pants: :[strip'd]: Slacks [Black]
Shoes: [monso] My Combat Ankle Boots
Pocket Protector: [croire] pocket protector


Well hey there how have you been?
   I have a bit of a headache this evening, a rough day has been had. Well not all of it, some of it was downright enjoyable. But the parts that weren't.... boy howdy did they suck. My grandma used to tell me the worst thing you can do is assume. If you just take the time to ask for clarification it would probably give us world peace or something amazing like that.
  But she is right, assuming causes way more problems than it ever solves. I mean we are all guilty of it, if something SOUNDS LIKE it should a certain way, chances are we are going to assume it is, even if it is the polar opposite. And chances are when you assume too much you can be hurt, hurt others and in the end cause a whole hell of a lot of dramatics that just could have been avoided if you asked for someone to clarify.
  I made a huge mistake recently. I was told something and I went to what I thought was the source to get the other side of the story. Because, well there are always 2 sides and I like to know before I give my trust to someone whether they are worthy of that gift or not. In doing so, this person assumed things, assumed people were involved that weren't and proceeded to make a giant Everest out of my curiosity. Should I have kept my mouth shut? Yep I sure should have and I will remember this next time I want to be overly curious about something and go poking in proverbial bushes.
  My curiosity and naturally assuming that people lie all the time led me to this lapse in common sense and in it I hurt some people I don't really know that well but still I feel incredibly guilty for it. I am almost 38 years old and well I try to live my life by the golden rule and be good to people. I am by no means better or innocent, I make mistakes... thing is when I do I can put my big girl panties on and own it and take responsibility.
  I like making these posts good or bad because I sincerely hope people read them and it helps them in their own lives. I continue to use my life, experiences and yes, huge fuckups as topics here because good or bad this is my life, Second Life is a part of it and I am this person whether I am logged on or not. I feel incredibly honored you take the time to read my nonsense and even more when I am not judged for making a mistake.

I hope your week is amazing, I have things I am expecting so I think mine is going to be pretty good as well.


So you want to know about my outfit in this picture huh?
Skin: Glam Affair - Renee - Trending 02 Red (from this months Collab88)
Hair: >TRUTH< Sassy 2 - quince
Eyeliner: AL vulo!* Eyeliner black
Eyelashes: Maxi Gossamer - Eyelashes - Party - Swallow Wings
Shirt: ~Sassy!~ Intrigue blouse - black
Skirt:Maitreya Mesh Anais Skirt- Polka-Black
Shoes: N-core ESSENCE "Noir Intense" 
Pose: Adorkable Poses - Eclectic (Zodiac: Aquarius Installment)


Well hi there!
  Lately I have been struggling with some real life insecurities, I am putting this out there so maybe someone can help me get over it or maybe tell me I am not crazy for being so scared. Ever been in a relationship where he or she has had 1 friend (usually of the opposite sex) that makes you super uncomfy? Yeah that's where I am lately. I hate it and its driving me nuts.
  A little back story, I was in a very physically and mentally abusive marriage for 9 years, I left him 11 years ago but there are still some.... residuals if that makes sense. He loved to cheat on me, usually with hookers or random women he met on on-line bulletin boards (this was back when the "internet" was mainly AOL and Prodigy for you younger kids) and then would tell me how horrible and unattractive I was, how he was the best I could do. Basically he was doing me a favor by keeping me around. Sounds like a lot of fun right? In the end I ran for my life when he held an unloaded rifle at me and while I was on the phone to 911 proceeded to explain to them how he had a gun and he was going to shoot me. Loaded or not, if you ever been at the business end of a firearm, that will change you forever make no doubt.
  So you fast-forward to almost 5 years ago, I meet my Walter and we eventually fall in love. I move here to be with him because well, love is rare and when you find it, you should do whatever to make it happen. Now I will be the first to admit, I am a bit off. Not in the scary way I just have had an interesting life, and though it has shaped me into a basically awesome human being... it is not without its drawbacks. Currently it is this overwhelming fear with him and his female friendship.
  He played SL quite regular with me until about 2 years ago when unfortunately I let this box become the most important thing in my life and I sadly was neglecting him and our relationship and at times depriving my child the time she needed to have with just her and I. I am not proud of it and I have made many strides to overcome this, to put Second Life and the people from it in a more healthy place on the priorities scale. Sadly I think those choices have done some irreparable damage to our general relationship.

  So now I have this for the most part perfect boyfriend (I mean nothing is perfect but you know) who I have caught a few times, sneaking on SL to help his "friend" with some really risque photographs and our phone bill reflects hundreds of texts and phone calls that last sometimes for well over an hour. I have caught him sneaking about to talk to this person and now this voice... who sadly sounds just like my ex-husband is screaming in my head all sorts of really horrible situations. My fears and yes, insecurities bubble to the surface that someone I love so deeply is going to get bored or find someone better and move on from me. I mean what is to stop him? We have no commitment, he is free to ask us to go anytime and have no ramifications
  I know this all sounds probably a little nuts but think about it, we have all felt this way at one point or another, we all have that fear of being left behind by someone... of being REPLACED. I have added factors of my past marriage and the fact that we have a 12 year age difference, I wonder what a young man like him sees in a old used up woman like me. And before you think I'm feeling sorry for myself I'm not. I feel incredibly blessed to have someone who loves me even if I for the life of me can not  understand why he does. I just have this internal struggle that I wish I could put to rest and just enjoy things and not worry so much about something that hasn't happened yet, if it is even going to at all.
  So anyway thats me lately all crazy and confused and wishing so bad to just feel normal for a while. I hope maybe you can suggest something or even if this just helps you feel not so alone in the world of insecurities then Im glad I got to share with you.


( case you are oogling my pretty avatar this is how I got her to be so pretty)
Hair: Charmed (white 5) by [e]
Skin: Glam Affair - Amberly - Petal edition - Melodia
Ears: [MANDALA] Steking EARS
Tattoo: erratic / koi tattoo
Necklace: P.C; Amethyst Nest Necklace - Purple
Ring: P.C; Diamond Encrusted Square Cut Amethyst Ring
Nails: Synthetique Ultimate French Series -Complete- (Set to black tip french)
Breasts: Lola! Tangos
Dress: [LWL] Cocktail Shift (Violet) (with lola tango applier for this dress added)
Shoes: [LWL] Luxe Patterned Pumps (Poppies, Pink Pop)

Starting New

Happy 2013 beautiful people!
  As I walk around my house ripping down old calendars and finally taking my pathetic tree to the trash I reflect on what the new year means to me. It is not only the changing of a day, the adding on of a new year but it is a time to make a fresh start. 2012 was one of the most difficult years I have had in a long time, I lost some really important people in my life, some people I called friends... and many many tears. But for all of that I also gained some really amazing things, where I had lost loved ones, I have gained new family members, made new friendships. So I guess I am hopeful for the promise of a new year, optimistic of the good things that have grown from the bad times.
  I don't really have a hard set resolution, I find them kind of silly and when you set a title to something, you are more likely to either give it up or sabotage it for failure. I really just want to learn to live in the moment, I used to, but things happened and I became jaded and a recluse. I let the choices and actions of others shape my real life and my second life. I hope that I can shed that from my character and really enjoy what I do have. I always tell people we only have one turn on this planet, make the most of it. I think it is about time I follow my own advice here, I will do my best to make the most of my life and be the best I can for those who have given me the honor of being a part of theirs.
  One thing I do promise I will maintain in my life is my need to put my happiness and that of my family first, before all others nonsense and drama. I have to remove negativity from my life, it has no place in it and corrupts my happiness. This has always been a black and white thing with me, but it is something I will continue to stand fast to. If you bring saddness to my life, you will have to go because there is just so many things in life that we have no control over. What you allow people to do to you is not something out of your hands.
  To my family, thank you for filling all the holes my grandmother's death left in me. Thank you for propping me against the wall and reminding me that people love me and are worth loving in return. Thank you for the absolute precious friendships you have bestowed on me because they are what helps me get up out of bed every morning. You are something I didn't know I needed but now that I have you all in my life, I can not imagine you not here with me in it.
  To my beloved Walter, I miss you in my virtual aspects of life. You always inspired me and made me feel I could accomplish anything. Though you are still in my life, hell you are in the shower right now... it is something I really didnt think I would miss so much, and yet I do, In this computer you were my husband, my partner. You are my best friend, I never thought I could love another person outside of my children as much as I love you. You really are my soulmate  as absolutely corny as that sounds without you I would never be whole and life would never be half as interesting.
  And finally and absolutely most importantly my Sammi Starfish... You were the best thing I ever won in Vegas and hands down my greatest creation. You remind me everyday how wonderful loving someone is and how unconditional it can be. You dry my tears, share my giggles and you are the most amazing 10 year old I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I am amazed every day a broken, crazy old lady like me not only made you but has raised you to be a caring, loving and downright brilliant person. I love you to the moon and back.

I hope your year brings the best of things.