Well this week is almost over, I am kind of glad to be honest.

This blog entry is for the writer of the secrets, the nasty anonymous plurks and my former Daughter, Nara. I want you to take your bow and bask in the knowledge you broke a persons spirit. I logged on a game hoping to meet new people, make some friends, have a few laughs. I got more, some I cherish, some I would rather go without. Your special brand of hate is one thing I can do without. So I have chosen to take a break from Second Life for a while, maybe permanently not sure. But I know I can not be in there right now as much as I try.

I think what cinched it all for me is knowing that the person I actually spent my last 20 dollars on to make sure they had food to eat and had gifted a brand new pair of headphones actually was using them to sit on skype and run me down to other people. It really just made it crystal clear the last 2 years and all those memories I had with you were a complete and utter lie. I can not understand how someone can stand and tell you they love you and then steamroll you over just because god forbid you hit a rough patch in life. But here I am, I lost the illusion of another child. I already buried one, had 2 taken but hey, what's one more right?

I am not going to let you keep me broken forever. I am going to take some time and put the pieces back together as best I can and then I will be even better than I was before I met you, before I allowed a pixel creation to make me care so much. I am going to give my time and love more sparingly, to those I feel truly deserve it. You taught me this, whoever you are out there. So I guess thanks in advance, I am a work in progress but I have faith that the next version of me is going to be stellar while you will be the same embittered, sad, fake person you are today.

Take care and for those who even care Im going, you know how to find me :)

We All Have Issues

  We all have our own demons to bear, our own insecurities, our own fears. Sometimes they become overwhelming and you can no longer fight the voice in your head. You know, the one that screams you are worthless and a failure. That you are unworthy of love, that everyone leaves, that you are better off dead. It is this struggle I am currently going through I dont want it to win and I am trying so very hard to win and feel normal again but I fear this time it is going overwhelm me and win.
  I have a really huge fear of being abandoned by people, and over the 5 years now that I have been in SL I have made many phenomenal life-long friendships but I have also had one too many people leave me behind for different reasons. Sometimes it is for the best and I dont feel so bad about it and sometimes, well it breaks your heart.
  I have had to endure this lately with my real life and my second life. I have lost 2 real life people who werent always easy to deal with, but they were a valued part of our lives. They are in a better place now and no longer sick and suffering so that is really for the best. But I have lost friends and people I considered family, these things have completely broken my spirit. I know it shouldnt and I really should not give people this kind of power over me. But over time you grow trust and faith in a person and to have them think nothing more of you than gum on their shoe, it is really just a reality check I was not prepared for.
  I sit here taking stock of my life as of current and I am really not liking where I am in it. I am almost 38 years old, I am sick, poor, fat. I have a wonderful boyfriend who never wants to get married even though I desperately do. I had a store I was proud of but because some jealous or hateful people wanted to I guess make an example of me for my mistake, I gave that up. There was no longer joy in making things for people, whether I bought them off the internet or Marketplace. I have been robbed of my joy and I guess the illusion of how I wanted my life to be. It is a really hard slap in my face that I just am not sure I can recover from.
  I still log on SL now not because I love being there but because it is habit, because there are people I can not bear to lose touch with... It is a place full of hurt and artificial people. Someone asked today on Plurk if I could go back and tell my young self something, what would it be? I would tell me not to ever log on Second Life. I would tell myself for my sanity and for my heart to stay in tact to find something else to do. I know in doing that I would lose my beloved Walter, my best friend Maddy and my amazing SL Children Carter, Kendall and Birdie and so so many others who have touched my life. But right now all I see is the negatives of this place, I am overwhelmed with the saddness I feel because things just arent how I THINK they should be.

  As for my recently departed internet child, I wish her luck but I have to close the door on that chapter of our life. I have given you many chances to think things through and find direction, but in the end you end up crushing my heart. I have gone out of my way for you more than anyone I have met besides Walter. I have fed you when I was poor, logged on to sit with you when I was tired, sat up late nights listening to you rant about your problems. I really just needed your friendship right now and in the end, you could not deem me worthy of it. I am not worthy of your time, of your ear, of your shoulder. This isnt the first time you have left me when I needed a friend. I try to tell myself it is because you are so young, you still need to grow up and learn the value of friendship. But in the end, I just wasnt worth the effort and that hurts the absolute most. I hope that your future brings you amazing things and many new experiences, and yes... even growth. You have a lot of potential as a person but in the end it is the simplest advice I can give in these words. In order to have good friends you have to be a good friend. I think I did my part, maybe I didnt and in that I failed you but as much as my heart aches for you in my life, I will not wait around for you to think that I am worthy of your time and your friendship. I was always worthy of it, you just failed to see that.
  For everyone else reading this I am very sorry you have to and I promise this too will pass and I will be upbeat and fabulous again someday soon. I just need to let the sad out, to shed my tears, to bandage up my heart and wait for it to heal. I need to reconcile my life and how I can change it. But right now I need to bask in the love of my friends so that all of those things are possible. Because they truly are what drives me these days. My SL family and my tiny amazing rl one, they make me wake up everyday and get on with things. They are inspiring in the simplest ways, they are there.

So thanks for enduring my crazy rant for today. I wish you all a wonderful wednesday.

If Wishes Were Rainbows

Sometimes I wish there was a rewind button for life. Some way you could turn things back and get a mulligan, a do-over. I wish I could go back a month ago when I was happy, When my family was happy, When we were together and things looked so bright and hopeful. I am sitting here with my heart shattered because I am watching people I love so very much slowly slip away and they don't even know it. I know I probably deserve it, this is my punishment for my mistakes, for being such a complete embarrassment to the people who care about me, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I sit and try to fight for what I want, for those I care about but it just makes them run faster and I am just left sitting here having to watch it happen and there is nothing I can do about it.

I want to make an admission because I know it is the only way I can feel better. This whole situation has had a huge toll on me emotionally, I have tried to put a smile on my face but I can not any longer. I have lost so many things in the last year and as hard as I am trying to bounce back from it, I can't. I feel dreadfully alone even with having Walter and Sammi here. I just want to go lay in my bed and cry till I sleep and pray I never wake up. I have dealt with being Bipolar since I was 14 years old (I am nearly 38 now) and have always found ways to channel my feelings but all the negativity and general saddness lately, I am finding it harder and harder to be strong.

On Sunday you all who love the SL Secrets found this image:
And with the exception of one amazing person (thank you for your kind words by the way) it fell on deaf ears. I really would love to just end it all, I truly think that the world would be better without me. But I can't leave my daughter with no one and so I still wake up every day and try to be happy, even if inside I am not.

I am telling you this all because like all my posts, I hope to God I am not alone. I sincerely hope there is someone out there who has the same battle going on inside so I can know that this is going to end and get better some day. I hope that all those who dwell on the small stuff can understand there is a bigger picture, that your actions truly do effect the lives of others and even if this is just a "Game" and only "on the computer" that I am a real person, my heart is really hurting, I just want to be happy. I dont want to be treated like a doormat, or targeted by people who are petty and just want to watch me suffer I want my life a month ago, where I felt safe and I thought everything was finally going to work out.

Anyway as always thank you for letting me put this out there because I needed to get that out, I needed my theraputic cry. Now Im going to go wash my face and put my smile back on and try to do my best to get through the rest of the day.

Happy Rezday to Me (insert sarcastic eyeroll here)

What is Winning Worth?

To the nay-sayers and right fighters,
  I bet you are sitting here at your computer rather proud of yourself right now. You think you managed to run me away from the things I cherish most in life. You think because I closed my fake store selling fake furniture on the internet I am a broken and beaten old lady. See that little smug smile on your face right now? That is all you have gained from this experience. I on the other hand have gained something vastly more valuable.
  You see this picture up there? That's me and my kids. They are part of the amazing gift that Second Life has given to me. I met the love of my life there, he's down the hall being amazing. And well, I gave birth to my starfish so good luck trying to get that to go away. But these people in this pretty okay picture, these are the most wonderful things I have got in my life right now. And these things, nothing you do is going to make them go away.
  Second Life brought my best friend into my life too, she would stand by me through a hurricane and not flinch. She is my family too, but my family out in this big old scary world we all actually live in too. See, these people, I told of my mistakes and they didn't judge, they didn't make me feel like I was this horrible person you all are trying to make me out to be. They loved me and accepted that I am not perfect and that like all human beings, I made a mistake and it was something I never intended to do and when I found out I did what I could to make it right.
  So in the end you may have got me to take down my store. Which to be honest, you didn't make me do, I chose not to play this game with you all. I do not have to explain anything I did to anyone, I am nearly 40 years old... this stuff didn't fly in high school and certainly it doesn't really go over too well now that its about 20 years later. You didn't take the love of my life, my child, my friends... all you did was show how much of a coward a person can be, making accusations and throwing slanderous words around and cant even be adult enough to say it yourself. You think you won something here, but I am sorry to say you didn't.
For whatever is happening to you in your life to make you so sad and hateful I am truly sorry. I never thought bullying people on the internet was the right thing to do, and frankly you may think you feel better but I am certain when you are alone in your room at night you feel anything but good inside. See, hate is a disease. It eats away at what makes  us amazing in life. I am really sorry that you feel these actions are the ones you should be taking. I may have gotten things off the internet but I am woman enough to say I did, apologize and move on. I already had this last year with a group of people, maybe even you yourself. I had a bottle of pain killers ready to end it all, I had never had anyone or anything make me feel that low in a very long time. But I got past that low point in my life and I will get past what you have tried to accomplish as well.
  Dont you worry your pretty little head none, I wont open my store again because the harassment from those who choose to believe this lie is not worth losing the joy of what I love to do in SL, which is Create. So I dont make kids furniture anymore.... I can still take a picture, I can still do anything I want to. But dont fool yourselves, you will not drive me from those I love and who love me. It isnt possible because when you have real friends that is how this all plays out.

So I wish you a good life whoever you are, have a cookie, get a hug... go do something with your life besides sit in front of a computer and try to bring others into misery. I guarantee you will feel better in the end.


Truth and Consequences

So I am going to be really honest now,
  I saw this weekend's SL secrets. I dont normally read them, I am a pretty in your face person if I have something to say to someone, I say it. So posting anything anonymously is kind of not my style if you know what I mean.
  Anyway this weeks secrets is about many thing but number 2 and 3 are about me, namingly my store Tiny Spaces. I have devoted many hours over the past 2 and a half years to learning mainly how to texture sculpts and prims, work prim ovens and how to pose things to create realistic and fun role playing environments for families and most importantly the children of Second Life. I have been really blessed to meet some really talented folk in my tenure in SL, and learned things that I take a lot of pride in.
  When Mesh became a thing in SL, I attempted like so many others to learn how to make mesh with blender but I was hopelessly lost and confused. I called on my RL cousin who knows about 3d modeling but he never used blender as well as loathes SL in general he feels it is a waste of space. So in the end he offered me a bunch of meshes to rip apart and use for my store. I in my trying to find things on 3d models came across and saw all these amazing free and affordable models for people to use. So I took a few free ones and purchased a few others and yes I sold them in my store.
  Someone I considered a friend came to me the other day and informed me that in fact using those models is against the SL Terms of Service, showed me where it said it and I immediately went in my store and removed the models and took them off my marketplace store as well. I felt this would rectify the situation, apparently I was wrong.
  I am truly sorry if people felt misled by anything I sold in my store. I never once claimed to be the creator of the meshes, I did create my textures on all the items with the exception of a set of chairs and table with rockers, those came with the mesh set. I am not a thief, a thief would be someone who stole items from somewhere, I used items that were provided free to the general public on a royalty free website and as well as items purchased for commercial use.As for the other items, they were given to me by the person who owned them and/or created them and that is going to be the last thing I can say on this subject.
  I have closed my store not because I think what I did was wrong. I made a mistake, I tried to rectify it but that was apparently not enough. I closed my store because I know though whomever these people are who started this and can not stand in the light and be an adult about it, those people no matter what I do will not be satisfied. I could learn Maya tomorrow and create completely 100% original items not inspired by anything and still they would claim that I took it from something. I stand by the 99% of my store that has nothing to do with these turbosquid items, the items I put time and effort into texturing and working hard on. I baked every texture myself, I usually created those textures with my own hands using photoshop. I truly enjoyed providing quality products to people and did my best to help other creators in the community to make amazing things as well.
  Sadly I dont even have anger toward these people, they have their own reasons for causing all this drama for so many people. I highly doubt it has much with their desire to be right and honest and more to do with something less desirable, but that is for their conscience to sort out. I forgive them without their apology. I just want to be happy and I will do what I can to achieve that with or without building children's furniture.
  This isn't the end by no means, this is an opportunity to learn something new, remember that there is a reason to not trust everyone who smiles at you and move on. Nothing you do can take from me the things that truly matter. I have an amazing core family of people in SL I love dearly. They have taught me how amazing it is that people can stand beside you even when you are under attack. I am not really used to that, people usually jump on the bandwagon and leave. So I will end this by thanking them and telling them how very much I love them. And for you who read this blog thanks so much and I hope I havent disapointed you too much.

Have an amazing night,


Adventures with Fake Nara - Day 3 (The Safari)

  So this day began with Fake Nara begging me to go to the Safari and see the big cats. I figure, it's paper what could POSSIBLY HAPPEN? I should have stayed in bed and told my cardboard child to go make herself into origami but no, I drag myself out of bed, get my camera and binoculars and off we go.
  Who knew lions were so majestic? I mean from a distance or on TV sure, but right up close yeah they are pretty epic. I should have kept a better eye on my artificial child though, Mufasa there decided she looked tasty and well, lets just say I need to run to the store for some tape... and markers.... and yeah I fail. But it was a really fun field trip all the same, even if Fake Nara weighs a little less now.
  I hope all the kids are having this much fun at Camp. I wonder what would happen to my cutout child in the water..... Well thats another adventure for tomorrow, and after the glue dries.


A Letter to My Favorite Campers

Hello Princes and Princesses!
  I hope you all made it to camp safe and you had an exciting trip. Riding a train is big fun, I rode half way across the country once, best trip of my entire life. I wish I could have been tiny and enjoyed this experience with you but unfortunately I am all grown up and so at home I stay and be responsible and WORK (insert dramatic sigh here).
  I hope you take this experience and make it the best you can, you have an amazing opportunity to relive a part of childhood that not everyone got to experience the first time around. Take some risks, talk to that shy kid who keeps to themselves... MAKE NEW FRIENDS! You will never get the opportunity to relive this moment again so get out there and make the best of it!
  For those who are starting to really miss your parents, know that they miss you and love you so much but they are happy you are getting to enjoy something truly unique in Second Life. Make sure to take lots of pictures, write lots of letters and let your families know you are having a great time!

  I miss my girls dearly but I hope they are having the time of their lives. I love you all and can't wait to see your little faces in a week!


Adventures with Fake Nara - Day 2 (Skysurfing)

OK so one more post before I go to real life sleep (Because I was inspired)
   So today, I took fake Nara and fastened her securely to my belt and started off to the local airfield. I had a plan, today we skysurf. The guy behind the counter looked at me like I lost my mind when I said my daughter and I wanted to go up for a run but he slowly wandered off toward the plane and our first real adventure begins.
  Now, I am scared to death of heights so as the assistant pulls the doors open I get the sudden feeling I am going to toss my cookies but I remember to be brave, take a deep breath, close my eyes....  And then the assistant bumps me on accident and out the doors we fly.
  We are going a kajillion miles an hour and I am screaming, fake you is showing her trusty peace sign and smile... its just too much to bear. Somewhere between the plane and the ground I lost my awesome helmet.... so unfair I loved that thing. Fake Nara though, had a blast, we surfed the air like pro's, well I think we did. I was still clenching my eyes closed and screaming for Jesus all the way down. I probably looked like a drunk all over the place but it was quite the experience.
  When we landed, I kind of squished you in a mud puddle. Thank goodness she is copyable so I can just pull a fresh Nara out for my next adventure.

  I'm thinking something with Animals.....

Have a great night!

Adventures with Fake Nara - Night 1

Hello boys and girls!
  It's Saturday and for many kids and some adults in the family oriented community today marked the first day of Winter Camp at Camp Hardknock, ran by Jill and Gattz Gilman. This is a exciting time for the kids of Second Life, since there is only a certain number of slots available, sadly not all kids can go experience this but for those who are lucky enough to have the chance, I have been told it is amazing.
  Sadly, for parents like myself, 2 of my munchkins are going off to camp this round... My tiny Alexis and my Narabean. I got the opportunity to take Nara to the train station and see her off this afternoon which made me a little sad. I get a bit of parental separation anxiety from my kids when I have to see them go away... I already miss my girls big.
  Nara's friend Tristan gave me this cut out picture of Nara and so I decided for a week, I will take my fake Nara on some adventures, see what kind of mischief I can make. But for tonight I am tired, been sniffling part of my day away and missing not only my Nara but the other great kids I have grown to love in my time serving the Children of Second Life.
  Have a great Sunday and Kids I hope you have a great time at Camp. Make new friends, try something you never did before and make the most of this unique experience Jill and Gattz have worked so incredibly hard to create for you. I can't wait to read your letters and see your pictures.