I have sadly been feeling a bit in the dumps lately. I shouldn't but then like we don't have an off button for feeling, though I truly wish I did. For Christmas this year I watched 4 friends get engaged both in real life and second life... and lately my SL Daughter/RL Friend get married, and my Godsparkle get engaged. I am so very happy for all of these people because Love is beautiful and rare and when it happens you need to hold it tight. That said it also makes my heart a little sad and here we are, me wishing it wasn't.
I have been with my boyfriend for going on 5 years and we have lived together almost 4 and a half of those. For those who dont know me, we met in SL almost 5 years ago and well, it was a surprising love but it is very much love all the same. He has been an amazing partner to me in real life, he has cared for me with my Meniere's Disease and been a exceptional father to my daughter. I have been married before and so I know the alternate version of this story.... him I am truly grateful to have in my life.
The only thing is I sincerely have never seen myself old and still with the person I was in a relationship with... not even my ex-husband. We were married nearly a decade and I always knew it was not going to last, I don't regret it though I learned a lot about myself from him and what I want in a partner. But boyface, I see myself old and still with him, like those cute little old people who still at 80 hold hands when they walk down the street. I have never felt it was ok to just be me with someone till I met him, so I just want that evidence he feels that for me too.
But for his own reasons, and much to my hearts ache he doesn't want to get married. Logically I know its for his reasons, it has little to do with me personally. But my heart feels like it is that I am not enough for him as a person, that maybe there is someone out there he would much rather give that commitment to, he just hasn't met her yet. Now before you yell at me, don't. I know this isn't the reason just makes me sad and something I will just have to get over in time. And before you tell me we dont HAVE TO get married... this I know as well. But I am not exactly well and though I am not 80 I certainly am not 20, I have a child who loves him and I would like him to legally be her parent. These things can not happen unless we are married, the ways to achieve this otherwise are lengthy and complicated and just too expensive. And frankly, I love the man more than I have loved anyone outside of my grandma and children, and I just would like to be able to say "This is my husband" and mean it.
I really hope the new year allows me to make peace with this and just enjoy things as they are. I am lucky to have found someone who loves me, not everyone has this in their life and I really should just be grateful for that. I think once I come to terms with it and put that away I will be able to enjoy things a little more. So I guess my resolution is to enjoy being in the moment more, if that makes any sense. Thanks for letting me rant here to you, you always are such a good listener.
Have a great New Year and be safe.
XOXO,
Brie
