Insecurities

Well hi there!
  Lately I have been struggling with some real life insecurities, I am putting this out there so maybe someone can help me get over it or maybe tell me I am not crazy for being so scared. Ever been in a relationship where he or she has had 1 friend (usually of the opposite sex) that makes you super uncomfy? Yeah that's where I am lately. I hate it and its driving me nuts.
  A little back story, I was in a very physically and mentally abusive marriage for 9 years, I left him 11 years ago but there are still some.... residuals if that makes sense. He loved to cheat on me, usually with hookers or random women he met on on-line bulletin boards (this was back when the "internet" was mainly AOL and Prodigy for you younger kids) and then would tell me how horrible and unattractive I was, how he was the best I could do. Basically he was doing me a favor by keeping me around. Sounds like a lot of fun right? In the end I ran for my life when he held an unloaded rifle at me and while I was on the phone to 911 proceeded to explain to them how he had a gun and he was going to shoot me. Loaded or not, if you ever been at the business end of a firearm, that will change you forever make no doubt.
  So you fast-forward to almost 5 years ago, I meet my Walter and we eventually fall in love. I move here to be with him because well, love is rare and when you find it, you should do whatever to make it happen. Now I will be the first to admit, I am a bit off. Not in the scary way I just have had an interesting life, and though it has shaped me into a basically awesome human being... it is not without its drawbacks. Currently it is this overwhelming fear with him and his female friendship.
  He played SL quite regular with me until about 2 years ago when unfortunately I let this box become the most important thing in my life and I sadly was neglecting him and our relationship and at times depriving my child the time she needed to have with just her and I. I am not proud of it and I have made many strides to overcome this, to put Second Life and the people from it in a more healthy place on the priorities scale. Sadly I think those choices have done some irreparable damage to our general relationship.

  So now I have this for the most part perfect boyfriend (I mean nothing is perfect but you know) who I have caught a few times, sneaking on SL to help his "friend" with some really risque photographs and our phone bill reflects hundreds of texts and phone calls that last sometimes for well over an hour. I have caught him sneaking about to talk to this person and now this voice... who sadly sounds just like my ex-husband is screaming in my head all sorts of really horrible situations. My fears and yes, insecurities bubble to the surface that someone I love so deeply is going to get bored or find someone better and move on from me. I mean what is to stop him? We have no commitment, he is free to ask us to go anytime and have no ramifications
  I know this all sounds probably a little nuts but think about it, we have all felt this way at one point or another, we all have that fear of being left behind by someone... of being REPLACED. I have added factors of my past marriage and the fact that we have a 12 year age difference, I wonder what a young man like him sees in a old used up woman like me. And before you think I'm feeling sorry for myself I'm not. I feel incredibly blessed to have someone who loves me even if I for the life of me can not  understand why he does. I just have this internal struggle that I wish I could put to rest and just enjoy things and not worry so much about something that hasn't happened yet, if it is even going to at all.
  So anyway thats me lately all crazy and confused and wishing so bad to just feel normal for a while. I hope maybe you can suggest something or even if this just helps you feel not so alone in the world of insecurities then Im glad I got to share with you.

XOXO,
Brie

( case you are oogling my pretty avatar this is how I got her to be so pretty)
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