Trying to Love the Holidays

Hey there!

  Well, the week is almost over and I am being forced to face something I am really never been a huge fan of, "The Holidays". I know, you are grasping your proverbial pearls and gasping at me but hear me out OK? I have a really good reason for absolutely dreading this time of the year and it has absolutely nothing to do with consumerism or any of that nonsense, hell I'm human, give me stuff I smile.

  I have parents, they are still alive and kicking far as I know, but I haven't talked to them in a really long time and that is really a good thing. My parents split up when I was just over a year old, my dad was cheating on my mom (with my now stepmother) and so she took me and left. I'm not sure what that did to her, I've been divorced twice and well I didn't take the road she did. My mom got hard into drugs and drinking after that and it didn't make her a very nice person. She remarried to a real pervert, I wont sicken you with those details but lets just say the 2 of them really did a number on my psyche.

  When I was 9, my mom dropped me of about a mile from my dad's place and told me to go find him, I only saw her once since then and I am now 37. My dad and his new wife-former-mistress had a new son by then and well I just didn't fit into their shiny new family. I spent a huge amount of time with my grandma when she wasn't at work painting houses and I ran away a lot because well, would you want to be somewhere that you knew you weren't wanted? I didn't think so.

  By the time I was 11 the state took over and I was put in "The System"... yes that creepy foster care system which wasn't all that bad for me. I totally respect I was one of the lucky ones and was put somewhere with people who really cared and wanted what was best for me. I lived that way for about 4 years then I had to go back to my dad and his wife. Things hadnt changed much and yeah life for me kinda got interesting after that. I experimented with drugs and ran away a lot but hey I can look back now and say I did a lot of growing up in that time.

  I will say that I never had really amazing Christmases growing up, everyone kind of went through the motions because it was what was expected. We were nice to each other for like 3 days and then it was back to the norm. So by the time I got married and had my own family, Christmas was kind of something I really began to dread. I will say this, I have always made a huge effort for my children because I want them to know the joy of it that other kids just have. But in my heart it is something I wish I could just sleep through.

  Last year my daughter learned the ugly truth about Santa, as we all do at some point and so Christmas is again changing in our lives. I am really trying this year to be more excited about it, but it is hard with my grandmother gone. We no longer have family, she was all we had anymore for the most part. I feel like I failed her because I just couldn't suck it up and deal with my parents for her sake. Someday I hope she understands more there is just no place in our life for people who are so broken like they are.

  I have no idea why I am telling you all this other than I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way. Maybe some of you have ideas on how I can just try to feel more in the spirit, or hell maybe you are without family and want to adopt us LOL. Either way I am feeling better just writing it out even if no one ever reads this, its like setting it free. Ive done that a lot this year perhaps this is the last bit I need to let go of and truly be OK with life. Either way I hope you are looking forward to the season of together, of cookies and of love... it is truly what makes this time of year magical.


What my Sammi Look-a-Like Avi is wearing:
Pose is: Heirloom - Friends Forever Bear 3
Cute Byte's Toddleedoo Avatar (Kid Size)
Curio Elf in Sundust Pure
[E] Here hair in Brown 6
Outfit is from Pixel Panda and its called "I didnt do it" (go here its super cute stuff)


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