If Wishes Were Rainbows

Sometimes I wish there was a rewind button for life. Some way you could turn things back and get a mulligan, a do-over. I wish I could go back a month ago when I was happy, When my family was happy, When we were together and things looked so bright and hopeful. I am sitting here with my heart shattered because I am watching people I love so very much slowly slip away and they don't even know it. I know I probably deserve it, this is my punishment for my mistakes, for being such a complete embarrassment to the people who care about me, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I sit and try to fight for what I want, for those I care about but it just makes them run faster and I am just left sitting here having to watch it happen and there is nothing I can do about it.

I want to make an admission because I know it is the only way I can feel better. This whole situation has had a huge toll on me emotionally, I have tried to put a smile on my face but I can not any longer. I have lost so many things in the last year and as hard as I am trying to bounce back from it, I can't. I feel dreadfully alone even with having Walter and Sammi here. I just want to go lay in my bed and cry till I sleep and pray I never wake up. I have dealt with being Bipolar since I was 14 years old (I am nearly 38 now) and have always found ways to channel my feelings but all the negativity and general saddness lately, I am finding it harder and harder to be strong.

On Sunday you all who love the SL Secrets found this image:
And with the exception of one amazing person (thank you for your kind words by the way) it fell on deaf ears. I really would love to just end it all, I truly think that the world would be better without me. But I can't leave my daughter with no one and so I still wake up every day and try to be happy, even if inside I am not.

I am telling you this all because like all my posts, I hope to God I am not alone. I sincerely hope there is someone out there who has the same battle going on inside so I can know that this is going to end and get better some day. I hope that all those who dwell on the small stuff can understand there is a bigger picture, that your actions truly do effect the lives of others and even if this is just a "Game" and only "on the computer" that I am a real person, my heart is really hurting, I just want to be happy. I dont want to be treated like a doormat, or targeted by people who are petty and just want to watch me suffer I want my life a month ago, where I felt safe and I thought everything was finally going to work out.

Anyway as always thank you for letting me put this out there because I needed to get that out, I needed my theraputic cry. Now Im going to go wash my face and put my smile back on and try to do my best to get through the rest of the day.

Happy Rezday to Me (insert sarcastic eyeroll here)
Brie


3 comments:

Carter Chambers said...

I love you. Even though Im a "pixel" daughter, you are a rl friend to me. You are human. We all make mistakes. We all go through things.. but in times like this.. you lean on the people who love you. Myself, Cliff, Daisy, Pay-Bunny, Laila, Mickie, Maddy, etc.. Love you for you. Human mistakes and all. That is what defines a person. You live and you learn. Even at 38 YOU are NEVER an embarrassment to me or my family. I am proud to call you mom and a friend. <3

Cracked Mirror said...

Brie, I'm sorry your going through this and I'm sorry I can't help you in any real way except to lend an ear and maybe some comforting words. But if you ever need that I am always here. xxx

Maddy Carissa said...

In this world, you are never alone. No matter the distance, time or pain you will never stand alone. I know it is easy to feel alone, but you are so cherished by so many people. Those who have broken you down, I am truly sad for them. They have missed moments with someone that is a astonishing person. I couldn't and wouldn't ever want to think about this world without you. Just the thought breaks me down to nothing. You my best friend, my blessing, my twinnie, you are loved more then you could ever know. I don't remember my life without you and I never want to. Regardless, of what has happened and I know how much it has done to you... I love you more for your mistakes. It doesn't show me that you are a embarrassment it shows me that you are human.
You will rise from this, when you do, turn around and see who has forever been standing behind you. Those people are the ones that will always be there, those people are the ones that will never judge you for your flaws, those people are the ones that understand you and don't care that you are bipolar. Those people are the ones that when you feel like you can't carry on.. will carry you through any heartache, storm, fire or broken moments in life.

You came along
When I needed you most
You held my hand
You held me close

You showed me that tomorrow
The sun will shine
And that life isn’t bad
All of the time

You gave me a shoulder
To firmly lean on
When I felt all alone
And less than strong

You helped me to see
The light at the end
And I’m never on my own
Because I have a friend

And each night I find
The brightest star
And thank God for you
And your generous heart

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