We All Have Issues

  We all have our own demons to bear, our own insecurities, our own fears. Sometimes they become overwhelming and you can no longer fight the voice in your head. You know, the one that screams you are worthless and a failure. That you are unworthy of love, that everyone leaves, that you are better off dead. It is this struggle I am currently going through I dont want it to win and I am trying so very hard to win and feel normal again but I fear this time it is going overwhelm me and win.
  I have a really huge fear of being abandoned by people, and over the 5 years now that I have been in SL I have made many phenomenal life-long friendships but I have also had one too many people leave me behind for different reasons. Sometimes it is for the best and I dont feel so bad about it and sometimes, well it breaks your heart.
  I have had to endure this lately with my real life and my second life. I have lost 2 real life people who werent always easy to deal with, but they were a valued part of our lives. They are in a better place now and no longer sick and suffering so that is really for the best. But I have lost friends and people I considered family, these things have completely broken my spirit. I know it shouldnt and I really should not give people this kind of power over me. But over time you grow trust and faith in a person and to have them think nothing more of you than gum on their shoe, it is really just a reality check I was not prepared for.
  I sit here taking stock of my life as of current and I am really not liking where I am in it. I am almost 38 years old, I am sick, poor, fat. I have a wonderful boyfriend who never wants to get married even though I desperately do. I had a store I was proud of but because some jealous or hateful people wanted to I guess make an example of me for my mistake, I gave that up. There was no longer joy in making things for people, whether I bought them off the internet or Marketplace. I have been robbed of my joy and I guess the illusion of how I wanted my life to be. It is a really hard slap in my face that I just am not sure I can recover from.
  I still log on SL now not because I love being there but because it is habit, because there are people I can not bear to lose touch with... It is a place full of hurt and artificial people. Someone asked today on Plurk if I could go back and tell my young self something, what would it be? I would tell me not to ever log on Second Life. I would tell myself for my sanity and for my heart to stay in tact to find something else to do. I know in doing that I would lose my beloved Walter, my best friend Maddy and my amazing SL Children Carter, Kendall and Birdie and so so many others who have touched my life. But right now all I see is the negatives of this place, I am overwhelmed with the saddness I feel because things just arent how I THINK they should be.

  As for my recently departed internet child, I wish her luck but I have to close the door on that chapter of our life. I have given you many chances to think things through and find direction, but in the end you end up crushing my heart. I have gone out of my way for you more than anyone I have met besides Walter. I have fed you when I was poor, logged on to sit with you when I was tired, sat up late nights listening to you rant about your problems. I really just needed your friendship right now and in the end, you could not deem me worthy of it. I am not worthy of your time, of your ear, of your shoulder. This isnt the first time you have left me when I needed a friend. I try to tell myself it is because you are so young, you still need to grow up and learn the value of friendship. But in the end, I just wasnt worth the effort and that hurts the absolute most. I hope that your future brings you amazing things and many new experiences, and yes... even growth. You have a lot of potential as a person but in the end it is the simplest advice I can give in these words. In order to have good friends you have to be a good friend. I think I did my part, maybe I didnt and in that I failed you but as much as my heart aches for you in my life, I will not wait around for you to think that I am worthy of your time and your friendship. I was always worthy of it, you just failed to see that.
  For everyone else reading this I am very sorry you have to and I promise this too will pass and I will be upbeat and fabulous again someday soon. I just need to let the sad out, to shed my tears, to bandage up my heart and wait for it to heal. I need to reconcile my life and how I can change it. But right now I need to bask in the love of my friends so that all of those things are possible. Because they truly are what drives me these days. My SL family and my tiny amazing rl one, they make me wake up everyday and get on with things. They are inspiring in the simplest ways, they are there.

So thanks for enduring my crazy rant for today. I wish you all a wonderful wednesday.


Daisy Rose Villota Ontawl said...

You are fabulous, even when you're sad. So we'll start there.

I wish I could take away the hurt you're feeling. It's not fun, and it's not fair. It will end, one day. One day you'll wake up, and it will be a little easier to bear. Then with each day that passes after that, it will get even easier.

Until then, I am here, going nowhere. I love you. I value you. You are FABULOUS.

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