Today's "Word Of The Day" : FAITH

faith - [feyth]


1. Confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
 What is the one thing you have a really hard time with when it comes to other people? For me, I have a hell of a time trusting people. I guess it comes from the people I have been exposed to in life, I am not sure. I just know it is really hard for me to put myself out there and trust another person completely. I have been with Ken for 5 years now and I still waver in my trust at times. Its not his fault, just I am always expecting the other shoe to drop I guess.
  Trust comes with having faith in a person that you can bear your soul, give a part of yourself to them and trust that in the end they will treasure the gift that is your friendship with them.  My problem is when I get to the point that I feel comfortable giving a piece of myself to them, they usually do something and completely wreck my ability to put faith in them. Yeah, I hold grudges too which I struggle so hard to not do, but ya know... sometimes its hard to teach an old dog a new trick.
  I wasn't always this way, I was a really forgiving human being, if you apologized and I thought you meant it, I forgave you. It kind of left me in a place where I ended up being a bit of a doormat, as in you could just walk all over me.  I hated it, I hated how it made me feel.... I learned that I taught the people around me how to treat me, and at that time I wasn't really doing a good job in saying "Hey, I am a pretty OK person, be nice." So I ended up kind of with this big ass boot print on my face, philosophically speaking. 
  Ive gotten better with trying to give people the benefit of the doubt and put some faith in them. Sometimes it works out and I have some really quality folk in my life... sometimes I am horribly disappointed and have some people I shouldn't have wasted time on. But, the thing with disappointment, you learn what you DON'T want in others, what you WON'T put up with from them. Its a funny thing about life no matter how old you are, you can have a life lesson. I am also learning that for those who disappoint me, to forgive them, let them go, and move on. It is amazing how you hurt from someones actions for so long and one day you realize you are going to be OK, you don't miss that in your life and you appreciate those around you all the more.  
  I spent a wonderful vacation with my Ken and my Sammi and I have a wonderful memory. None of that would have been as special if I hadn't put faith in Ken when I got to know him. Trusted that he loved me and Sammi and wanted to make a family with us. I think I came home from that trip, though exhausted, incredibly grateful for the experience. I hope it brought us together closer than ever as a family unit. I have faith that this is where I am supposed to be and that things are going to get better for us. And that asshole voice in my head doesn't matter just a little more today than a week ago. 


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