Today's "Word Of The Day": FORGIVENESS


for·give·ness - [fer-giv-nis] 

1.act of forgiving; state of being forgiven
  Today's word is a doozy kids, cause it is something I struggle to do every day of my life.  There is just times where you feel you were done wrong, you hold onto that feeling and hold a grudge, it is really difficult to let go of. I am like the queen of grudges, something I have tried to get past all my life. But sometimes, I just fall back on my old mantra "once they hurt you they always hurt you", its a protection mechanism and it has got me by relatively well in life I am sad to say.
  The draw back to my holding these grudges is I have built huge walls to protect my emotional self. I mean don't get me wrong, I talk the talk really well, I am super friendly and I can even be downright nice to people who have in the past thrown me head-first under a bus. But inside I am seething with ill will. I hate feeling like that, its like a cancer that at times gets out of control. I fear I have missed out on some good friendships in my life because of my inability to really truly forgive a person.
  Don't get me wrong, my self preservation has at times gone on vacation, and I have forgiven people I probably shouldn't, Lately, the little person in my head who sometimes sounds like my ex and has a really big mouth has done the Will and Grace "I Told You So" dance more than once. And I feel stupid for letting them in my life. But hey, its part of growing, and growing is something you do your entire life. 
  I am trying really hard to shut down that inner monologue and just go with things more in life, trying to give people the benefit of the doubt and stuff. I mean hey, if I grow and change with my experiences, why can't they too right? I just sometimes feel like I am running this race, trying to protect my emotions and enjoy life more and I feel like I am sadly losing the battle to just get things together and be a whole person. 
  I wish people just could be more upfront and honest with one another and put the opportunist, sneaky, snarky stuff on the back burner for a while. I see so much of it on Plurk and in Second Life and it really just gets overwhelming sometimes. I really am having a harder time than ever knowing who I can trust in my life, it is really very scary sometimes. And frankly, this lady is just too damn hold to play a bunch of games just to realize someone isn't worth the time and effort, ya know?
  Anyway that's the ranting I have been dealing with today, I do forgive the people who have hurt me these past months and hope they find the peace in their lives they are lacking. I just know the grudges I have tried to fight will most likely be sitting at the front door if someone comes knocking offering apologies. I don't think I have it in me right now to truly just "let it all go". I'm trying though, have to give me that.



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